Priest is back! - Episode 1: The Call to Herm

Priest Holmes is heading back to the NFL everyone. How do we know the news? Why... we were just chillin' in Head Coach Herm Edward's office when the King Prince PRINCESS of the Touchdown gave the Chiefs a ring. Here's what happened...:

Setting: Herm Edward's Office
Time: Around 3:00PM MT
Scene: Coach Herm Edwards is looking over his records to see who will be in training camp and who won't. His star running back, Larry Johnson, is holding out until he gets a lucrative contract from Kansas City. That was until his secretary buzzes in with the news...

Coach Herm: Maaaaaaaaaan, this is some bullshit... some bullshit... how can we play to win any games with this shit?

Herm's Secretary (over intercom): pssssssssh! *Ahem... Mr. Edwards?

Coach Herm: What? I'm busy right now, bitch.

Herm's Secretary: Mr. Edwards, you're upset, please don't say things like that.

Coach Herm: (mumbles under his breath...)

Herm's Secretary: You're upset about Larry Johnson holding out of practice because of contract negotiations... aren't you?

Coach Herm: Whoa! Gotta' fucking Oracle on my hands here. What had you figure that one out Socrates? Maybe I should have you picking my fucking lottery numbers instead of taking my phone calls.

Herm's Secretary: That won't be necessary Mr. Edwards, I don't gamble. But I have good news for you...

Coach Herm: ...you're quitting? Best news I've heard all year. Well, besides that jackass Johnnie Morton getting his clock cleaned.

Herm's Secretary: Johnnie is doing alright I hear, and I've never quit. But Priest Holmes called, he wants to return to the Chiefs.

Coach Herm: Bitch! Don't toy with me. I would've believed you telling me fucking Michael Jordan was joining the league.

Herm's Secretary: No... I'm not kidding, he called about an hour ago and he plans on meeting you.

Coach Herm: I must not be paying you enough for you to play me like this. I PAY FOR YOU TO WIN THE GAME... err... ORGANIZE MY LIFE.

(long pause)

(solemn) Bitch? You listening?

Herm's Secretary: Yes, sorry sir. Mr. Holmes just called, he wants to talk to you personally.

Coach Herm: That's a football player right there. He plays to win the game... yeah... yeah...

Herm's Secretary: Coach?

Coach Herm: Oh... yeah bitch, put him on the line... and put some damn clothes on!

*pssssssssh*

Priest Holmes:...Coach?

Coach Herm: Priest, pleasure to talk to you mothafucka'.

Priest Holmes: What?... (shrugs off mothafucka' comment)... umm, I just wanted to say I'm excited to come back to camp. I've been excited to get back into the game since my latest injury. I just wanted to let you know that I'm coming into this one hundred percent guts, sweat, and tea... awww FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!

Coach Herm: (pulls phone away from ear) DAMMIT ASSHOLE! God, I feel like I'm bleeding from my cochlea after that! What the hell happened?

Priest Holmes: Sorry, just broke my hip.

Coach Herm: WHAT?!?! AGAIN? How'd you do that? Mothafucka' where are you? You callin' me from a gym?

Priest Holmes: *obviously in pain* Owwww, shit! No, I'm driving. I was switching gears in my Geo Metro and I snapped my hip bone. Fuck, that's like the third time today...

Coach Herm: Third time today? What in the name of Chad Pennington is going on here?... you're drivin' a Metro?

Priest Holmes: Yeah, blue. Shit happens is what I say. OWWW, SHIT SHIT SHIT! The NFL had it's way with me for a little while, but I'm ready to come back into action. I just wanted you to know that I'm ready to...

Coach Herm: (interupts)... ready to hit up St. Joe's Hospital is what you're ready for.

Priest Holmes: No no no, Coach, I'm fine. Hang on... (puts phone down)

*crrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack* Awww damn! Yeah (picks up phone)

There, I'm good. Have my gear ready to go on Saturday.

Coach Herm (impressed): THAT IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. YOU'S A GOOD FOOTBALL PLAYER.

Priest Holmes: Thanks Coach, I appreciate that. Can't wait to meet you.

Coach Herm: Hell yeah! Me too. Can't wait to tell the front office to cut that mothafucka' Larry Johnson as soon as you get over here. In fact, I'll do that right now. I'm damn stoked to hear this.

Priest Holmes: Thanks Coach, but I like competition. Larry is one of the best in the game. Don't cut him, we need competition in the backfield.

Coach Herm: And the asshole is smart too!?! God I love this kid. I'm going to be the Godfather of your children one day. Fucking A! I am. That pussy Dick Vermeil won't be able to shine my shoes with as many carries I'm going to give you. Welcome ba...

Priest Holmes: FUCCCCCCCCCCCCK! Again! Damn it that stings...

Coach Herm: (shakes head, takes a swig out of opened handle of Captain Morgan's Spice Rum... takes another swig... another) Just get your ass over here on Saturday and try not to hurt yourself in the process.

(hangs up phone)

I'm going to choke-slam my secretary...



Stay tuned to More Credible for the next episode of Priest coming back...