Frank Lampard doesn't need teammates?

Did you jerks know that soccer season is right around the corner again? No... because no one except for me and 7 other Americans actually gives a shit about soccer. But seriously, soccer is almost back and I'm not talking the craptastic MLS either. These guys are fucking warriors. They take a month off out of the entire year and then get right back into the season again. If only American football were the same...

Teams from championship caliber leagues (such as the Premiereship, Spanish Premiera, Bundesliga) are preparing their squads for the long, rigorous season and need everyone to be healthy and all. Well, everyone except Chelsea:

Frank Lampard insists Chelsea will shrug off the injury crisis that threatens to wreck the start of their season.

Jose Mourinho's side are likely to be without a host of stars including John Terry, Didier Drogba, Michael Ballack and Arjen Robben when Birmingham visit Stamford Bridge for the Premiership opener on Sunday. Lampard admits the loss of so many key players on the eve of the season is far from ideal, but when the England midfielder looks around the changing room he sees enough strong characters to give him confidence that the Blues will be able to cope.

(Aren't English writers such better ones than we are? When the hell would I ever use the word "cope"?)

Yeah, uhh... Lampard, I know you're a complete beast and all, and by beast I mean "you take every shot you can and never put one on target" but Chelsea needs those players because they're something you're not. And that's skilled. Terry and Drogba score goals consistently and Ballack, well... he just has wonderful hair. Lampard is who is because he's so aggressive from midfield that he scores a goal every once in a while. Any asshole could slip in a goal or two if they shot every time they got a touch from midfield. It's just that asshole would actually be on target on a consistent basis. Instead of wide (insert direction).

"In terms of injuries, we are not in the best of shape," Lampard said. "There are quite a few people in the treatment room, which is not ideal."

We have the second coming of Inspector Gadget over here.

"We have got a strong team with a lot of personalities and have a lot of experience from years gone by. The players we have brought in also have experience, so we can go into the season with confidence."

Was that in english? And did he just insult me?

Look Lamps, I know that you can carry this team on your back if you wanted to. You probably have chest hair growing out of your back and legs you're so manly. But if Chelsea wants to be successful, they'll need their best players... excluding you. That's the whole purpose that they spend all the money they do to grab them up. Instead of talking to the media, why don't you find a pint of Guinness to stumble into? Or find yourself one of those sexy nurses in the "treatment" room.

Man... that just sounds dirty.

Treatment room...