Ronaldo(!) is Returning?

The answer is yes. Apparently 5.5 kilograms worth? But what's been his motivation?

Setting: Somewhere in Brazil, in front of an Ice Crem Truck
Time: Fucking eating time, that's what
Scene: Brazilian Superstar Ronaldo is enjoying his daily walk roll ride on a segway when he hears his favorite jingle ever... the Ice Cream Truck man



Ronaldo(!): Estoy tan contento que cargué arriba el segway viejo hoy, esos queso garrapatea de anoche me dan algunos calambres

-I'm so glad I charged up the old segway today, those cheese doodles from last night are giving me some cramps

(He stops aburptly, after smelling the lovely essence of frozen sweets and cream)

Ronaldo(!): ¡ESCUCHE! ¿Qué es este olor maravilloso? ¡Podría ser... helado? !?!

-HARK! What is this wonderful smell? Could it be... ice cream?!?!

(He cranks the speed up on the segway to a screaming six MPH, with his heart racing and his stomach churning for the love of his life. But all this was for naught, as despair loomed it's evil head over the horizon as the segway begins to slow down)

Ronaldo(!): ¿Pasa qué demonios? No le vaya más despacio pedazo de mierda. Venderé sus partes motrices a un depósito de chatarra y los tiene hacen un Fácil Hornea Horno con su roto se queda.

-What the hell is going on? Don't slow down you piece of shit. I will sell your motor parts to a junkyard and have them make an Easy Bake Oven with your broken remains.

(Segway breaks, 25 feet short of the Carriage of Frozen Heart Attacks)

Ronaldo(!): ¡Motherfucker! Comeré sus hermanos y a hermanas Segway de mierda. Usted pagará por su tiranía... eso es después de que alimente el dolor que es profundo en mis lomos.

-Motherfucker! I will eat your brothers and sisters, Segway of shit. You will pay for your tyranny... that is after I feed the pain that is deep in my loins.

(Ronaldo(!) takes off after the jingle, almost tasting the sugar rush he was about to experience. All of the sudden, a cloud of smoke appears in his path, as a large piece of Broccoli stops him)

Evil Broccoli: CEASE YOUR HASTED PACE FAT ONE. I'VE COME TO RESURRECT YOUR CAREER.

(Ronaldo(!) stops, confused at the creature that stands before him)

Ronaldo ¿(Qué es esto? Yo no he devorado nada bastante lo quiere antes, pero yo no como nada verde... fuera de guacamol). ¿Se muda de la manera pequeña verde uno, no sabe usted quién es sendero que usted obstruye? ¡Soy el Gran Ronaldo!

-(What is this? I have not devoured anything quite like it before, but I don't eat anything green... outside of guacamole.) Move out of the way small green one, do you not know who's path you obstruct? I am the Great Ronaldo!

Evil Broccoli: THE LANGUAGE YOU SPEAK I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. PLEASE, TAKE A BITE FROM ONE OF MY BROTHERS. HE WILL HELP YOU FIND THE LIGHT.

(Evil Broccoi passes Ronaldo(!) a piece of broccoli and motions for him to eat it. Ronaldo sniffs the food with a quizzical look.)

Ronaldo(!): Esto es sospechoso, pero supongo que podría picar algo antes banqueteo en la comida de reyes.

-This is suspect, but I suppose I could have a snack before I feast on the meal of kings.

(Ronaldo(!) takes a bite, as he falls to his knees as his body structure begins to transfer)

Evil Broccoli: YES. FEEL THE POWER OF THE VEGETABLE OVERWHELM YOUR BODY. THE STRUCTURE OF YOUR BODY IS MORPHING, THIS WILL QUELL QUICKLY.

Ronaldo(!): ¡AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ¡JODA!

-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! FUCK!

(The smoke clears from Ronaldo's body, he looks thin but his head is still huge)

Evil Broccoli: HOW IS IT THAT YOU FEEL FORMER FAT ONE?

Ronaldo: I feel wonderful, like a newborn baby. Wait? Was that just English I just spoke? What the hell? Where's my beautiful accented Spanish small green one? Speak now before I swallow you whole and beat you through my bowel movements!

Evil Broccoli: CALM YOURSELF FORMER FAT ONE. I HAVE DONE YOU AND THE SOCCER COMMUNITY OF BRAZIL A FAVOR. YOUR SPEECH IS FINE. SPANISH IS JUST FUCKING ANNOYING... THAT'S ALL.

(Ronaldo looks over his own body, delighted, as he sees himself how he hasn't seen himself in years. He quickly looks under his uniform kit shorts, looking at something else he hadn't seen in years.)

Ronaldo: I suppose you are right Green one. My frame is wonderful, it must have been that run I took to follow the Ice Cream truck. I burn calories quickly you know... and I've lost the exclamation point next to my name.

Evil Broccoli: YES, IT HAS VANISHED BECAUSE WE GREW TIRED OF YOUR LAZINESS AND FAT FRAME. IT WAS A SYMBOL THAT SEPARATED YOURSELF FROM PLAYING CHAMPIONSHIP CALIBER SOCCER FROM THE MEDIOCRE. YOU ARE ANEW, AND I'VE COME TO RESTORE YOUR REPUTATION AS ONE OF THE WORLD'S PREMIERE SOCCER PLAYERS.

Ronaldo: What? My reputation is fine. I'm still the world's finest and my footwork is as good as it has ever been.

Evil Broccoli: THE WORDS THAT COME FROM YOUR MOUTH ARE WHAT MOST WOULD CALL "BULLSHIT". YOUR SOCCER SKILLS HAVE DECLINED OVER THE YEARS AS YOUR WEIGHT HAS SKYROCKETED.

Ronaldo: You are mistaken! Blasphemy. I do not believe something so preposterous coming from something that I can grow in my backyard. I am leaving you Green One, I have an Ice Cream truck to catch.

Evil Broccoli: NO FORMER FAT ONE. YOU WILL NOT LEAVE MY SIDE UNTIL WE HAVE RESTORED YOUR CAREER.

Ronaldo: Fucking balls. Are you kidding me? How about I give you an autograph or a piece of my pubic hair as sentimental value and we call it even?

(Ronaldo begins to dig around in his shorts for a pen or hair, whichever comes first)

Is there a McDonald's around here? I really want one of those Chipotle chicken wraps...

Evil Broccoli: REMOVE YOUR HANDS FROM YOUR UNIFORM. I WILL NOT ACCEPT ANYTHING BUT YOUR TOP FORM AS A PRIZE. AND BESIDES, THOSE CHICKEN WRAPS ARE FUCKING GARBAGE. THEY GIVE YOU GAS FOR TWO MONTHS AND SEVERAL MOONS. I HAD ONE OF THE OTHER DAY, OR MONTH, INSPIRED FROM THEIR SHITTY COMMERCIAL WITH THE HOT CHICK ANSWERING THE DOOR AND SOME GUY RAPS AND THEN A DUMBASS SAYS "RI-RI-RICO" AT THE END. I WENT TO HIS DOMAIN AND PUNCHED A NAIL INTO HIS FOREHEAD. MCDONALD'S MARKETING PROGRAM HAS GONE TO AWFUL SMELLING FECAL MATTER.

Ronaldo: They're that bad huh? Well, whatever, I guess since I've missed my ice cream truck, I suppose I'll do whatever you want so I can eat again.

Evil Broccoli: WONDERFUL. I KNEW EVENTUALLY YOU WOULD SUBMIT TO MY POWER. TAKE MY HAND FORMER FAT ONE, WE ARE HEADING TO THE FUTURE

Ronaldo: (takes EB's hand) Uhh... I won't lie, this is uncomfortable and looks gay.

Evil Broccoli: SILENCE. WE LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.

(The two vanish in a cloud of smoke... off to see Ronaldo's future)

BROKEN SEGWAY: Christ! Is he gone? Fucking badass. I'm going to fuck his hot television while that asshole is away...



Stay tuned for the next episode here on More Credible