The Week from A to Z

Every week we'll be giving you the biggest news in Alphabet form. It's kinda like us helping you catch up on the week after you've been out partying and getting trashed over the Weekend. Don't worry, that hang over will go away soon after a few bottles of water... We'll bring you back, slowly with a re-cap.

A is for Asian Destruction, a term I'm using for Barcelona's 4-0 over some select Hong Kong team on Saturday. Henry scored, which is all you really should be concerned about. Eto'o did too, but until he takes out the apostrophe and second "O" in his last name, he can choke on SARS for all I care. And what qualified these "select" players from Hong Kong anyways? The criteria of being male and Asian? That's all I can really think of. Afterwards, those players were trying to get pictures with the world's best Ronaldinho. I'm sure they do the same thing in the NFL after a long game too. Except traveling to the Raven's locker room, because Ray Lewis will KILL A SON OF A BITCH.

B is for Barry Bonds, who belted home-run number 756, 757, and 758 earlier this week to become baseball's All-Time Home Run king. Hank Aaron had a video prepared for Bonds when he indeed broke the record with nothing but congratulations. After this, no more Bonds posts. Atleast until his right arm transforms into an octopus tentacle.

C is for car dealerships, who are trying too hard with this commercial with Bronson Arroyo.

D is for the Diamondbacks, who are riding the arm of ace Brandon Webb. He is destroying the National League and The D'Backs are four clear of the rest of the NL West. He's thrown 33 straight scoreless innings. In other related news, that's the same number of years that Michael Moore has gone scoreless in bed.

E is for EPL, or the English Premiership League for those who don't follow soccer. Yesterday kicked off the 2007-2008 season for the EPL and teams like Manchester United, Chelsea, and Liverpool look to be the favorites to win it all (surprise, surprise). Soccer would be more exciting for American's if the field was lambasted with landmines. So would golf and shopping with your girlfriend at the mall.

F is for FIFTY, AKA FERRARI who got a chance to meet Thierry Henry in France. Is that Baron Davis up there too? What's he doing there? Aren't his nuts supposed to be connected to Andrei Kirilinko's forehead? And does this mean I'm going to like 50 from now on? Hell no. His music sounds like a gunfight between two stereos at max volume playing Run DMC and Special Children's Nursery Rhymes Remix Jam #4. (Deuce of Davenport)

G is for Galactus, who is up against Bucket of Hunk Sex (Tom Brady) in Everyday Should be Saturday's Who's Now segment. (By the way, this was the best five minutes of my week, besides watching a sizzling Brazilian on a mechanical bull on Friday night. I mean, that is athletic and sexy).

H is for Tony Hargrove, who will be suspended for the first four games of the season after testing positive for banned substances. Of course, the league is very vague as to what he was using but my guess is steroids. Why? Well, let's just say that when the hometown hero (he's from my hometown) took a return trip to his old high school, his old jersey looked like it was painted over his body. And his arms looked like elephant husks connected to his massive frame.

I is for interesting records, like my belief that the triples record would be the hardest to break in all of baseball. Perhaps sports?

J is for Japanese ingenuity. Okay, so maybe they aren't so "labor smart" but those bastards make some pretty amazing video games. (Our Book of Scrap)

K is for Noriaki Kinoshita, who aims to be the first Japanese player in the NFL. And because he's only 5'10" and 180, he's going to have to be Rudy on steroids. And run really fucking fast. Like, Michael Johnson on a rocket ship. (Lion in Oil)

L is for life-size bobbleheads. Whoa, creepy. Kinda like that midget hooker I saw in Ybor City on Friday night. Her high heels were as long as her calves. (Home Run Derby)

M is for Mandy Moore, who is getting a little surprise from Andy Roddick in this photo. (Shoutfan)

N is for Netball, which is some strange sport that only foreign women are allowed to play with rules sorta like basketball. The interesting thing about this sport? You must include players of separate races on a team or you're disqualified. Oooh, how about a co-ed NFL? That would be spicy. Chick catches the ball right up the middle before she gets drilled by Ed Reed? Ha! I just used the word drilled. (Doberman on the Diamond)

O is for old cat ladies, who upon watching this video below, I just thought were strange. Now I know, they need to be locked up in a cushioned room where they can't hurt themselves or others:

Fun Idea: Let Michael Vick's dog "Lola" loose in this arena. A real David vs. Goliath atmosphere. The difference is, Goliath stomps David and then eats his heart for a snack. Fuck yeah.

P is for prize fighters, as Yahoo! ranks the top 10 boxers of today. #1 in my heart is Floyd Mayweather's Sombrero. It beats out my all white University of Florida cap.

Q is for Brady Quinn, who got a nice view of the Browns from the sideline in their preseason battle versus the Chiefs on Saturday night. His agent, Tom Condon, was on ESPN's Mike and Mike in the morning on Thursday, and he said that his client "was never holding out for top 5 money". No, of course not, those rumors were created on the internet by kids in basements and have zero credibility. It's not Condon's job to make Brady's shit smell like Twinkies and cologne.

R is for Rick Ankiel, who since joining the Cardinals has belted three home runs. He didn't have one until the 2000 season before the first. And to think, he used to be a pitcher.

S is for sneaky look-a-likes. Tell me that these Cavs don't look like these rap-stars and we'll have to have my posse meet your posse for a brawl son. Chea. (Epic Carnival)

T is for Tiger Woods, who ate the current moment I write this blog, he's three clear of the field (Stephen Ames is three back). Of course, we all know the ass beating Ames took from Tiger in last years Match Play tournament. The media was kinda enough to remind us that like, 107 times. I would love nothing more than gluing shut Bob Costa's esophagus. No, wait... I take that back, I'd rather teabag Jim Nantz and have him choke on my nuts. Yep, way better.

U is for the University of Michigan, whose players should switch over to the button up pants than the zipper because... the... uhh... horse is out of the barn. (Larry Brown Sports)

V is for Vince Young, who is getting a pre-season game off for violating team rules. Hmm... you're hands down the franchise's best player, you've played football enough to where one or two preseason snaps will get you warmed up for the season, and since you're a scrambling quarterback, you're more prone to get injured in preseason games because of your tendency to make plays outside of the pocket. So... this suspension is supposed to be bad right? And why don't they ever specify as to what that player? What's violating team rules? Punching a lady? Smoking baking powder?

W is Good Ole' Wayne, who is good ole' hurt after Man U's opener vs. Reading. Rooney fractured his left foot and had to remove his boot. He finished the rest of the game however, proving that he is indeed the EPL's most badass player. I wouldn't be surprised if he water bottle was filled with Guiness and Tabasco and treats wounds with fire and vinegar. Rumor has it, before every game, he punches a gorilla in the stomach before every match and then pisses on it's offspring just for fun. God, I just wish I was half the man he was. I'd finally get over tearing up everytime I watch Benji.

X is for expert journalist, a term used quite often with Pam Oliver. That and "nice caboose" and "would love to be in a room together with baby-making music in the background". (Signal to Noise, via Awful Announcing)

Y is for your moment of zen:





Mmm... boobs.

Z is for Eric Zabel, who won some stage at the Tour of Germany today. Why is this significant? There's no doping. Atleast not until tomorrow.



By the way, I know this post was soccer and Japanese dominated. Those should be the headliners for every blog. Well, that is, if you don't want anyone to read your blog... *le sigh*. Be sure to check out Epic Carnival tomorrow and In the Hunt... for my ACC Football Preview.