WEEKEND WARRIOR PICKS: TIGERS AND COCKS, WOO!

Weekend Warrior's Picks is our weekly feature where we pick college footballs biggest games over the weekend. Usually, it gives me another reason to post pictures of half-naked women. It's my way of giving back to the community, while giving you insight... for once.

Another beautiful week on the site and another great solid weekend for football. We brought back Jenn for more picks (we like her, she kicks ass, and was 5-2 for her first time on), and starting next week, I'll do some statistics as to who the better "picker" has been throughout the season. Don't count on me though, my tendency to pick the team with the prettier girls roaming the sidelines has always been my biggest flaw. Atleast it's better than when I picked the team based off of which coaching staff had the better uniform however... anyways...

SOUTH CAROLINA GAMECOCKS @ LOUISIANA STATE TIGERS

Jenn Sterger: It will be a cold day in hell the day I ever cheer for a team manned by the Old Ball Coach Steve Spurrier. That being said, I don’t think I will have to lower myself to those kinda standards, especially since his Gamecocks are facing the #2 LSU Tigers. Not only is the Tigers’ defense the top ranked scoring defense in the country, but their offense is a straight beast with not one, but two quarterbacks that are equally talented. Consider them the new Leak/Tebow combo of the SEC. One thing the OBC has going for him?... He was 11-1 against the Tigers during his reign in the Swamp, and he’s looking to make the Gamecocks 4-0 by the end of Saturday’s game. Yeah, right. Good luck with that coach. But you know what they say… He was a cock, even when he was a croc.

Go Tigers!


More Credible: Even though Jenn committed borderline blasphemy by taking a shot at the visor, I'll forgive her. Can you imagine the sweat escaping from Les Miles' brow right now? He has arguably the best team in the nation, going up one of the best offensive minds of our time, and theres talk about this being a "trap game" for the Tigers. Jesus... Spurrier must sit around all day thinking about mismatches. Mitchell vs. the Secondary, Golfing vs. Recruiting, Visors vs. Straw Hats, Me vs. actually studying for exams for a change. Mismatches are fun, but they don't win you football games some of the time. Especially when you can't find them. I've got LSU in embarrassing type fashion.

PENN STATE NITTANY LIONS @ MICHIGAN WOLVERINES

JS: If Penn State EVER has a chance at breaking their pathetic 9 game losing against Michigan, THIS is their year. This year, the Nittany Lions’ defense is ranked 8th in all the land, and with the kind of offensive performance we’ve been witnessing from the Wolverines, their C+ game just won’t cut it with these guys. Sure, Lloyd Carr’s bunch was starting to find their groove last week.. but HELLLO? That was against Notre Dame. They make Duke’s football team look like a bunch of All-Americans. And while Mike Hart is a definite threat to the Nittany defense, it is undecided yet who will be taking snaps for the Wolverines. Regardless of whether Henne’s ego has recovered yet, or whether Mallett gets thrown to the wolves… I’m still going with Paterno on this one. His glasses may be thick, and he may have trouble controlling his bowel movements at times… but at least this geriatric can win come football games. And as for Ann Arbor?.. Well.. she’s still a whore.

MC: They're going to play the broadcast in fast forward on Saturday to hold onto marginal viewers, because I swear, these are two of the slowest teams in the nation. Respectable programs and obviously full of rich tradition, but slow. By the way, is this not the fourth game in a row at home for Michigan? Do they not travel outside of the Big House anymore? I must've missed that amendment by the NCAA. Well, ESPN is already begging for an upset, but it's not going to happen. Michigan's defense is too awful to hold any team with a real offense in check. 116 teams in the nation actually have real offenses, Notre Dame is the one without. Penn State is going to have 8 or 9 in the box all day to keep Mike Hart contained, and Penn State's corners are relatively quick enough to work with man coverage. The Nittany Lions will end the skid against the Wolverines, and Lloyd Carr will have an annoying press conference afterwards.

By the way, if I see someone get shook on Mario Manningham's weak double move, AKA his only route, I'm going to throw a coffee table through the television. True story. And someone please get me Ann Arbor's number?

KENTUCKY WILDCATS @ ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS

JS: The Cinderella Wildcats made Louisville their bitch last week… which is making me think I should start picking my games as if I were watching Celebrity Death Match only with mascots. For instance.. in reality, if I put my cat up against a cardinal… well, you’ve seen how the Looney Tunes episodes go. So.. if a wild pig and a wild cat fought, who would be victorious?.. Honestly, I am gonna have to go with the Razorbacks on this one. They got worked by Saban’s crew in one of the nail-biters last weekend, dropping them out of the Top 25. I doubt Heisman candidate McFadden was all too pleased with that—so expect him and Felix Jones to put up some sick numbers. Sorry Cinderella.. but.. I’ll be taking those shoes back. And as for your evil step sisters… they’re nothing a paper bag couldn’t fix. Besides, I think I may have found their prince charming. His name is Max Seltzer.. his number is.. 813…

MC: (shuffles to find phone) Oh, excuse me, got sidetracked there. First, the fact the Razorbacks losing last week took a big shot not only to my Pick 'Em Percentage (I took Arkansas over Alabama... and then John Parker Wilson decided to play quarterback for fun/once) but it took a shot at my pre-season pick that McFadden would take the Heisman. Did I think the Razorbacks were going to go undeafeted? Hell no. But to lose their second game of the season, no bueno (that's spanish for "no good"). Anyways, like Jenn said, Cinderella is going down this weekend. The win over the Cardinals was wonderful, but the 'Backs are pissed, and will be unleashing that "angry sex" passion on the 'Kats. Cinderella is going to polish some bed posts and clean some dishes this weekend. At my house that is. And they better sparkle, woman.

GEORGIA BULLDAWGS @ ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE

JS: Damn you Nick Saban. You and Steve Spurrier are straight up two of the most loathsome people in all of college football. Well, you and whoever made the stupid rule that you can’t sell beer in the college stadiums. I mean, you’re basically forcing kids everywhere to get as loaded as they possibly can before making their way to their seats… putting them into a huge drunk tank where they get to sober up with thousands of other people, 50% who are pissed because their team is losing. Anyways, I will give you props for pulling that one out of your ass last week against Arkansas. However, your team has some serious issues maintaining possession of the ball. Mark Richt’s litter however is still a real young squad, and after their season opener against Dark Lord of the Sith Spurrier… I have some serious doubts whether they are ready to face a team with a quick passing quarterback like “Why-do-I-have-three-first names” Wilson. They will however, try to capitalize on Bama’s inability to defend the run. Still, I’m giving Saban the upper hand in this one. Sorry Georgia, but.. life’s a bitch. And I’m not talking about “UGA” either.

This game.. will be UGA-ly!

MC: This is one of the worst games for me to pick. For one, I couldn't hate these two coaches more. Mark Richt for his extremely conservative play-calling and Nick Saban for being the ultra douschebag that he is. It pains me to see Saban at 3-0 with the Tide and it still pains me when I see Mark Richt receive oxygen to his lungs. The truth is, the Tide isn't half bad and Georgia is, which could be a problem for the 'Dawgs. Being at home with that raucous... insane... drunk... belligerent... intelligent crowd, 'Bama will move to 4-0.

And lucky for me, I don't have to "load up" before football games. I just duct tape it under my seat in the stadium the night before the game. Aren't I just a clever/cool snot?

I know what you're thinking, yes, I do have a nickname for my penis. It's called "the octagon"...