GETTING LAID

Getting Laid is our look into who had the biggest games over the weekend and in short... is surely getting some action in the sack. And if we (the fan) get any action because of their play, double the points!

Can someone please pinch me from this college football nightmare I'm in? Ohio State... #1? I mean, I knew it was coming, but once you finally see it... it finally hits you. Isn't this the same team that proved last season they weren't better than "5 or 6 teams" in another conference? And someone is going to argue that these Buckeyes are better than last year's squad? Not to mention the fact that Ohio State has played nobody and will continue to play nobody. I mean, I really don't think the BCS contenders will hold true, so perhaps I'm getting a little too excited about it. Anyways, some big performances over the weekend, let's get started:

Player: Andre Woodson, Quarterback, Kentucky
Level of Action: Surprising Snackbox


It's really hard to go week to week this college football season and not give oodles of props to Kentucky's gunslinger after his performances this season. When UK has needed him the most, he's shined. Against LSU, a team I thought they had no chance against, Woodson shined yet again in triple overtime. With a statline of 250 yards passing for three scores (two picks) and another touchdown on the ground. Just a week removed from getting pounded by Spurrier's Gamecocks, the Wildkats are back in the thick of things for an SEC East berth, if they can take care of Florida this weekend that is. Is there a week this guy isn't getting some action? I'd be surprised if Ashley Judd hadn't hit it yet.


Player: Yvenson Bernard, Tailback, Oregon State
Level of Action: "Two Big Ole' Beavers" (C'mon, it was too easy to pass up.)

Oregon State decided to join the party on this season's "Who Can Upset Who the Worst" contest, when they downed the Cal Bears 31-28 in this weekend's second most exciting game (check UK-LSU). I knew this Yvenson guy was good, and sported some solid dreadlocks (always a sign of a good tailback, or some my friend has told me) to boot. But 110 yards and two scores on the #2 ranked team in the country? That's a special performance, man. That's going to get some ass my friend. Like the kind of ass that sets school records. Performance enhanced ass.


Player: Chris Brown, Tailback, Oklahoma
Level of Action: "Who the Hell is that guy?" Vagina
When you're playing in games that could potentially be a preview of your conference championship, you don't want to show too many of your cards for the regular season game. Because after all, you want a ring, not bragging rights (or at least most schools do). But at Oklahoma, I don't they care, because when you can plug guys like Chris Brown in there for the fourth quarter and have him score three touchdowns... it says something. Something like "our balls are huge." Mizzou will have to focus down the stretch and hope for a rematch against the Sooners later in the season. First they'll have to take out those pesty Kansas Jayhawks who sit atop the Big XII North all by themselves. That's not a typo.


Player: LaDainian Tomlinson, Tailback, San Diego Chargers
Level of Action: "Fantasy Fanny"
Fantasy football mooks have been waiting for yesterday to happen all season. Trade L.T.? Hold onto despite average numbers? 198 yards on 24 carries (that's an 8.3 ypc average) and four scores against the Raiders will do the job. The Chargers won 28-18. It's nice to see the LT Locomotive get in motion, and see the Chargers on a winning streak... instead of a losing streak. However, if they don't win their division, I don't think Norv "I make the Lesbian Community look good" Turner will keep his job. He'd be better suited flipping burgers at the local BK. I know you guys totally feel me on that. He looks like a patty tosser.


Player: Adrian Peterson, Tailback, Minnesota Vikings
Level of Action: "Hooker Rookie of the Year Rectangle"
A quick glimpse of one of my many fantasy teams: I had a trade to get T.O. for Adrian Peterson. I was thinking seriously about pulling the trigger. After this week, not happening. The Rook made this Fantasy Warlord happy, going for 224 yards on 20 carries and three touchdowns. That's fucking 11.2 yards per carry against the vaunted Bears defense. He will win rookie of the year. It's just now if he's going to win "More Credible Man-Crush of the Year" that he's more concerned about... I know. I'm flirting with him right now. Nothing's serious. I don't want him to get the wrong impression. I'm not a holler-back-blogger.


Player: Tom Brady, Quarterback, New England Patriots
Level of Action: "Perfect Patriotic Poon"
The level of action hat tip goes to Max, the 388 yards in the air and 5 touchdowns goes to the Dallas Cowboys defense, which is God-awful. Jesus. Could the Patriots be any more perfect than they are right now? Who the hell do you stop? And when is it okay for me to make-out with Tom Brady and for it to not be gay? The three-time Super Bowl champion is always going to get his yards because he's Football God. Want to shut down Randy Moss? Okay, here's Wes Welker (who's beginning to look like Troy Brown out there). Then you can still key in on Ben Watson, or any of the slew of running backs the Pats can throw in there. God. Belichick is such a genius. Why would he ever need cameras to record hand signals? His football genius could thwart U.S. schemes in past World Wars.

Our ammunition would be Tom Brady footballs with nuclear materials inside of the ball.