GETTING LAID

Getting Laid is our look into who had the biggest games over the weekend and in short... is surely getting some action in the sack. And if we (the fan) get any action because of their play, double the points!

Player: Jimmy Jackson Tail Back, Missouri
Level of Action: "Tres Trap-erinos!"


For the first time this season, Chase Daniel was just "one of the dudes" for Mizzou against the Texas Tech Red Raiders. Someone had to be the star right? So enter back-up tail back Jimmy Jackson? (Who the hell is this guy?) Anyways, Jimmy only had 12 carries and 59 yards, but during the game, he had three touchdowns. After the game, he scored three times. I'll let you think about that one...


Player: Tim Tebow, Quarterback, Florida
Level of Action: "Blitzkreig Scheide"

For my non-German readers out there, Blitzkreig Scheide is translated as "Lighting strike Vagina". That's top notch stuff, just as long as you don't get hurt in the process. You've probably seen the stat line (18-26, 256 yds 4 TDs 20 Rush, 78 yds, 1 TD), but you could argue that he was the worse of the two quarterbacks on Saturday. His counterpart, Andre' Woodson, had 415 yards passing and 5 scores. The difference was, the Gators victory. And yes, we've heard the Heisman talk, but would Tebow succeed on Guts? That piece of the Aggro Crag was the balls dude.

Player: Ray Rice, BEAST Tail Back, Rutgers
Level of Action: "Rutger Rooterhole"


Ray Rice accomplished what no other tail back had done to the South Florida Bulls since... well, Ray Rice. Before Rutgers 30-27 victory over the Bulls last Thursday, no tail back had ever eclipsed 100 yards on the Bulls since 2006, when Rice has over 200 yards against the Bulls. Rice had 181 rushing yards Thursday night, and never scored throughout the game. That's fine, because you already know he scored after the game. ESPN did a great job of filling our minds with useless information about Rutgers history during the game, and showing us lots of great images of South Florida coach Jim Leavitt (causing Chris Fowler to make some noises I never want to hear again). But you know what they REALLY needed? More of this guy.


Player: John Parker Wilson, Quarterback, Alabama
Level of Action: "Houndstooth Hoochie"

John Parker Wilson sure has a way of playing huge in games that matter. The Tide embarrassed the Vols on Saturday, winning 41-17. Parker helped D.J. Hall quite a few times, 13 to be exact, to break school record of receptions in one game. Wilson threw for 363 yards and three scores. Considering Fulmer has been blown out in the Vols two rivalry games, I'm thinking the folks at Crispy Creme won't be giving him his usual discount at the counter. After the Crimson Tide faithful exalted their enigma of a quarterback, the Houndstooth twins did the same. By the way, does anyone else agree with me that the chick on the left has a strong chin?


Player: Tom Brady, Quarterback, New England Patriots
Level of Action: "Jawdropping Juicer"

Blah blah blah, Tom Brady throws a career high 6 touchdowns, kisses babies, cures Cancer, and saved Darfur. Tom, could you fucking chill out please? You're destroying the league. It's not cool, man. The Boston area is already getting too much love from that four letter network, you guys only the slurpage unbearable. I can't turn on the television without seeing your perfectly chiseled face highlighted by your manly 5'o'clock shadow and your well kept hair.


Player: Rob Bironas, Kicker, Tennessee Titans
Level of Action: "Kicker Cookie"

I'm probably the only cat that gives respect to the token white guy on the bench, but give it up for Mr. Bironas. An NFL record 8 Field Goals for one game, and ultimately the game clincher over the Houston Texans that stymied their remarkable comeback. Bironas is firing up a few Cornonas right now, and sitting back as the old lady applies some "knowledge". Hear, hear!