More Credible - A Blog about Sports... and Sterling Gould

TOP 10 OF THE DECADE: VIDEO GAMES (#5-#1)

2010-12-07T14:04:00.015-05:00

And now, the Top 5. Here's the Bottom 5 if you missed it earlier... I base my games off of storyline, gameplay, amount of "quality time" we had together, and just being plain awesome. Let's go:

5. Red Dead Redemption (Xbox 360, Playstation 3)

I never played Red Dead Revolver so I really didn't know what I was going to get into when I bought Red Dead Redemption. All I know going into it was that it was made my Rockstar Games (same developer of the Grand Theft Auto series) and that it was a "sandbox" game (much like all of the Grand Theft Auto games... real shocker huh?). Anyways, it didn't take me long before I was completely charmed with Rockstar's Western theme and just how much there was put into this game. The most awesome thing about RDR is the fact the environment is constantly evolving. Cougars/Bears out of nowhere, folks out in the middle of the desert requesting your assistance (and sometimes wanting nothing more than to loot you or take your horse). Everything was completely random, giving you a different playthrough each time you fired it up. The controls were pretty damn good, especially since most of the time you were riding horseback. It's multiplayer "free roam" was also badass because it gave you the same experience and randomness from the single players but with other players. For a guy who had never played a Western before or quite had much interest to be honest, Red Dead Redemption opened my eyes. Not to mention it just won the VGA's Award for "Game of the Year". Saddle up, guy.

4. Halo 3 (Xbox 360)

Yeah, I've played Reach. I absolutely love it. I fire it up everyday, but the first time I played Halo 3 it blew me away. Perhaps over time when I look back, Reach will take this spot, but my expectations were high with Reach, mine for 3 were not. I played multiplayer online for the first time in this game and for me, it changed my perspective on gaming. No longer did I have to huddle around the screen with three or four of my buddies. Get a LAN connection and get cranked. But for what it's worth, my friends and I at the University of Florida had many, maaaany late nights playing Halo 3. It was the first time I got entranced into a first person shooter since Goldeneye (*Angels singing*). Hell, I still haven't played Halo 1 or 2 (atleast the campaign for 2 anyways), but it was the third that garnered my respect for this genre and one I'll hold in a special place in my heart. Whether or not this will be Master Chief's final mission remains to be seen, but if it is, he gave us a helluva ride.

3. Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater (Playstation 2)

The Metal Gear franchise is one that is popular to most of the gaming community, but I thought the best was the third, Snake Eater. The best Playstation 2 title (in my humble opinion) of the last decade featured not "Solid Snake", but his predecessor "Naked Snake" in Operation: Snake Eater during the Cold War. Some people can't enjoy Metal Gear because of it's priority with stealth, but I think that makes it way more challenging than to go into a fight guns blazing. Snake Eater was the first in the Metal Gear series to offer you a variety of camouflage, so you could sneak past the guards out in the jungle (because of the lack of cover afterall). And a stamina bar, which you wouldn't think too much about but you are in the jungle after all, for a LONG time. How would you survive if you didn't eat... right? I enjoyed this one so much because it has what I considered to be the best Boss Battles... ever. The COBRA unit as their called, featured The Pain, The End, The Fear, The Fury, and of course The Boss. Each of these characters also featured special camouflage and weapons that enhanced the gameplay had you killed them in non-lethal means (which again, is another challenge). Like other Metal Gears, it played with information on game saves. Keep a food in your inventory for too long? It'd go rotten. Fight "The End" for over a week? Eventually he'll die of old age. These are things you'd think would happen if they were real events, which brings a lot of charm to this game.

2. Mass Effect 2 (Xbox 360, Playstation 3)

Yeah, call me a fan boy, but it's no shock that Mass Effect 2 would be in my top 3 for this list. I LIKED the first Mass Effect. It was cool that the decisions you made in the game affected the story and characters you interacted with. I loved the fact you could choose your story background, your class (adept, mechanic, or soldier), and how you looked. The battle system was "meh", and sometimes the physics were a little stupid. Lots of the environments on other planets were boring and monotonous. Not to mention how everyone absolutely DESPISED the Mako. However, BioWare did a helluva job throwing out everything from the first Mass Effect that sucked, and brought all the awesome into the second... and some more. Mass Effect is about shaping the universe around you with Commander Sheppard's (your) decisions. In Mass Effect 2, they REALLY meant something, and changed the game. The characters you acquire all served a purpose, had a personality, and the stronger your team, the more likely you were to survive "The Suicide Mission". Plus, I enjoyed the different species. Mixing up your partner helps because eventually you can find a bruising partner to match "your" Sheppard. The battle system is vastly better than the first, making it easier to access your and your partners powers from the power wheel with just a click of a button. They gave you less options for weapons however, but I actually liked that because I thought the rest was all clutter anyways. I was tired of getting 100 of the same kind of gun. Just give me the goods and move on. Mass Effect is all about the story, the battle system is just sprinkles to an adventure that has countless possibilities.

1. Bioshock (Xbox 360, Playstation 3)

The absolute best game to come out the last 10 years. Bioshock is like nothing you will ever play before, in it's twisted art, demented villains, and it's amazing storyline. Your first visit to "Rapture" is one that will stay with you forever. You could get lost in the detail they took creating this game to give you a twisted 1920's feel. You play Jack, a guy who was just on a plane to head home before it crashes in the ocean and you find a tower with an elevator leading down to a city under water. Rapture had promise, an idea from Andrew Ryan, who you may or may not call the game's antagonist. The idea was that this city was free from morals, and took every good idea from a free government and threw out all the negative that surrounded it. However, somewhere along the way, all goes wrong and Rapture became a lost city with violent and reckless citizens... known as "splicers". Bioshock has the design of a horror game, but the story of an epic. However, you as the player have to dig deep to uncover where Rapture went wrong. You have to listen to tape recordings, found while playing through the campaign, to understand the deep storyline involved with Bioshock. It wasn't just the story that got me though, it was also the character design, thrill effects, amount of cool weapons and plasmids (magic) you obtained. Who wouldn't want to kill someone with a pack of bees? Splice up and find out. The music was creepy, and all tied into the "Roaring 20's" feel. Bioshock was beautiful, in a fucked up kind of way... And introduced us to perhaps the biggest three words in modern day gaming...

"Would you kindly?"

Hoped you enjoyed, and Hell, hope you can agree with me on some of these picks.

GAMES THAT WERE CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR:
Halo: Reach
Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood
Super Meat Boy
God of War I, II, or III
Mass Effect
Braid
LIMBO
Metal Gear Solid II or IV
Castlevania: Harmony of Despair
Batman: Arkham Asylum
Super Mario Galaxy
Metroid: Corruption
Grand Theft Auto IV
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare
Gears of War
Final Fantasy XIII

TOP 10 OF THE DECADE: VIDEO GAMES (#10-#6)

2010-12-01T16:02:00.013-05:00

Ah, I feel right at home. As most of you already know, I'm a gamer. Have been my whole life. Fortunately for me I've been able to separate my digital life from my real one, so I know when it's time to put the controller down and start getting productive. I can appreciate a great game. In fact, most games are starting to get better than watching most movies. Scripts have become more serious, plots, voice work. We're in a time where this particular industry is really flying high and they're producing better ways to get the products out to their customers and innovative ways to put them "in the game" or give them more content. During these past 10 years, I had a Playstation 2 but that was all before I got my hands on Halo 3 and went to the Xbox 360... (foreshadowing?). Anyways, here's my top 10 Video games of the Past 10 years, see what you like/dislike:

10. The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (Wii)

I think the Wii is an underrated console, but this was the only title to make my list. If Nintendo weren't trying to be so "family friendly" and give the people some more adult themed games, I'd probably have more. Anyways, being a past Wii owner and a serious fan of the Zelda series, I had to get Twilight Princess. Lucky for me, it was one of the first title releases to come out on the console. I probably would've never missed with the Wii had it not been for this game, and thankfully, it didn't let me down. I was pretty impressed with the Wii-mote and it definitely made me feel like I was "in the game" whenever I was in combat or I was swinging the sword. Not to mention how cool it was to point to a spot on the screen and be able to shoot there (with the slingshot or bow & arrow). This is probably one of two games I put on this list where the gameplay completely overshadowed the storyline. Not because the story sucked or anything, but it was Zelda. When has Nintendo given us anything more than "Hero saves the Princess"? Still, it was an awesome game with some of the best boss fights I've ever experienced...

9. Final Fantasy X (PS2)

If I couldn't find one Final Fantasy to put on this list, Square Enix was in serious trouble. I LOVE Final Fantasy. I've practically played everyone (save maybe XII which was a mass multi online, ALA World of Warcraft), and still can't get enough. The best to come out the past 10 years has to be X. For the first time, they had character voice acting, which doesn't sound like much but trust me, it was huge. Every character had a role in the story/quest, and it just made them seem much more "real". Plus, this was the first game that actually focused on the romantic feelings between Yuna and Tidus. Yeah, Tidus wasn't what you'd call... ummm... masculine? But throughout the game he started to become less of a bitch and much more of a protagonist character. The battle system in this game was pretty legit and I liked being able to switch characters in and out of battle when I felt like it. Because the enemies were much more powerful, it made having an experienced party much more important. Oh, and after you acquired all of the characters final weapons (which was sweet because they all had unique sidequests) can you say RAPE?

8. PORTAL: Still Alive (Downloadable Content)

Originally a game that was included with Valve's "The Orange Box", Portal was an underground phenomenon almost instantly. Portal had a simple idea with extremely complex mechanics. Shoot two portals, go in one, come out the other. Seems simple, at first (and maybe game breaking), but eventually the puzzles become much more daunting and the amount of hazards you face increase drastically. Portal had one of the best and most memorable characters in video game history (GLaDOS) that turned a puzzle game into one of the funniest experiences you'd ever go through. Hell, even now, I'd go through Portal again just for the fun of it despite the fact I know all of the solutions. And yeah, it's short (maybe about 4 hours if it's your first time) but it's totally worth it. I remember my colleague (Matt Cruite) told me to try it. I was so skeptical, but after 30 minutes, I was hooked. Played through the whole game in one sitting. Loved it. Sung the song afterwards. And played it again two days later. Portal is just too much fun. It's a shame fucking Valve takes FOREVER to put games together...

7. Assassin's Creed 2 (Xbox 360, PS3)

The first Assassin's Creed was a "must play" game for anyone if you ask me. Had the aspects of action, story, challenge, three priorities for great games if you ask me. But the game had two HUGE flaws: no replay value and extremely repetitive. Fight these soldiers, go to these view towers, kill these people... Yeah, I get it, can you give me something different? The game had lots of potential, just needed some tweaking. That's when Ubisoft released the sequel. Right off the bat, you could see a difference. The controls that everyone loved (especially the ease of "free running") was back, more options for stealth kills, and a protagonist that you could actually like (nothing against Altair, but Ezio Auditore was just cooler and have more personality). Ubisoft listened to the gamers and gave them what they wanted and took away what they didn't want. Targets became more elusive, and you had to use more strategy (and imagination) if you wanted to kill your assignment stealthy. The addition of TWO hidden blades and the air assassination? So rad to jump from the rooftops and take out two unsuspecting guards with one leap, man... so satisfying. The hidden gun not only made Ezio more deadly, but it also added to the direction of the story. If you've played the newest Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood, it's not strange to see a guard with a rifle. This gives Ubisoft options for future games, and eases "modern weaponry" into the storyline.

6. Gears of War 2 (Xbox 360)

I'm one of those cats who's more into the storyline behind Gears of War rather than it's multiplayer. Of course, you got the hardcores like my brother who plays Gears of War 2... EVERYDAY. But there's a legitimate reason why: the game is just that good. The replay value shot through the roof, mainly because the multiplayer was much improved. For once, the Gnasher shotgun wasn't the most dominating weapon every match. Chainsaw kills weren't nearly as annoying (it almost felt like you were sucked into a black hole whenever another player revved it up). New game modes (Horde, which now has so many other video games mimicking it) and "Capture the Meat Flag" (a flag that attacks you back? What a twist to a classic game mode... Genius). The campaign was very satisfying for me (and definitely challenging if you put it on Insane). If you played the first, you probably questioned "What's up with Marcus relationship with his Dad?" "What does Adam Fenix (Marcus' dad) have to do with Locust tunnels?" "Who the Hell is Dom looking for?". Well, Epic didn't answer all of those questions with Gears 2, but they did paint a better picture as to what the Locust wanted with humans AND gave the characters lots more personality. Plus, online co-op was an absolute must and they implemented it. Gears campaign just feels "right" when you play it co-op. I like the whole "Brothers in Arms" feel between Marcus and Dom. Gameplay? Vastly improved from it's predecessor. More options to take cover (I.E. the mobile shield and using downed opponents as "meat shields"), better weapons (the scorcher, mulcher, and my favorite, the mortar), and many badass executions (because if I'm gonna be humiliated, atleast give me more than they classic curb stomp). Gears of War 2 was all that the fans of the franchise could've hoped for and a little bit more.

Check back tomorrow and I'll post my "Top 5"... and of course, tell me what you think.

Saturday Sports Thoughts on Sunday

2009-04-26T16:20:00.006-04:00

I wanted to put some feedback out there on some of the things that have been going on in sports, but haven't really had a chance to due to a badass weekend. Anywho:

-The NFL Draft's first and second rounds were yesterday. The Bucs only had one pick and that was quarterback Josh Freeman from Kansas State. You know, I don't mind addressing a need at quarterback (because they have one), but why say you were happy with Luke McCown, and whatever other scrub was with the franchise and earlier this week sign Byron Leftwich? I just don't understand why you spend the pick on a quarterback when there's more pressing needs on defense. Like at linebacker and defensive tackle. And not only did they spend the pick on a quarterback (and one that is supposedly "developmental"), but they traded their sixth round pick just to move up two spots. And they jumped Denver to do it too, who I'm almost sure wasn't going to draft him considering they needed defense like a motherfucker (and drafted Knowshon Moreno with the 12th pick in the draft). I might look back on this and say "oh, well Josh Freeman is the quarterback on the future" but when the defense is so old and can't contain shit, I'm not quite sure Josh Freeman's arm is going to come to the rescue. And the Jet's trading the Browns trash (first round, second round picks and three garbage players) to get Mark "The Dirty" Sanchez. Jet fan kills me. They blow the draft out of proportion and truly believe that Mark Sanchez is the answer to all of their quarterbacking problems. The games were Sanchez' met adversity in his short run as a starting quarterback at USC, he was awful. Just imagine how bad he's going to be against better competition and more adversity? Dude has as much chance seeing the field as science has correcting Stuart Scott's lazy eye.

-These new Gatorade Tiger commercials officially annoy me. I like Tiger, but it seems like the media makes me want to love him but just push me in the other direction. Just watch this trash:

What's up with the creepy animals? Review the cast:

Scott Van Pelt as "Bald Stalking Gopher"
Mike Tirico as "Cliche' advice giving old Owl"
Kelly Tilghman as "Attractive Blonde Squirrel"

And the problem is, these people slurp Tiger in real life. So perhaps these depictions were supposed to represent real life? And here are some more questions... why are they the only ones watching baby Tiger play golf alone in the forest? And Steve Williams as a giant rat? This commercial confuses me.

-Celtics/Bulls series has been flat up ridiculous. I've been loving the Playoffs so far... now if the Magic would quit blowing games like assclowns and beat the 'Sixers tonight.

Anyways, that's all I got. I got serious blog coming later in the day.

Tade nit intoci cated

2009-04-25T03:57:00.002-04:00

TIts nice to comce back home t o someone elses housex after a long night off drinkin at club s out of town. Im ovash at some girtls house I met abotu 4 horus ago be cause she was dtoo durnk to dirve home.

but the seceret is... shhhhhhhhhhh so am iQ! tdont tell the cops though. tehy are are bunch fo assholes theopse dudes. I mean honestley, cant a guy enjyo a bottle of win e on the car ride home in the back of the car. Ido nt drivk and drive. thats stupid stuff. Im confessing right now, red wine is teh sheeeeeeeeeit. I wopuld dirn k this stuff more often if its werent's so bad and messed up my sentences. GOd I lover cutting loose. not hign like spakring som ee electricy dnacing with tother peopel. IT's like creating ophysical chemeistry bu t with clothes on. NOthing matters whsats going on around you justr as long sas you got your hips lockedd rigthgt?

That's how I think anyuwas. What a fucking awesomr night. Just eabout having fun with new peoeple. Anywas i should get soem sleep, this cichk is pestering me that she eneeds someone in b eed with her or she cant' knock otu. whaaaatever.

Goodnight fans, heiop your weekdend iz jsut as kickffsass as mine ist starting. Nowe wheres' taht red Tail I was swigginnn? hahaha!

It's not about your hard work, it's your smart work

2009-04-23T23:19:00.004-04:00

I tell ya, it's tough when you're in a position where you got no one to go. Like a "go to guy" for all of those interesting situations life throws your way. And oh, the interesting and awkward predicament I've seen to place myself...

I wonder what people really strive for in life. What do people want? Not like instant gratification things, like a burger when you're hungry or a certain song when you're in the mood... I mean things that make you internally happy. Think of the awesomeness if you could read minds and give people what they wanted? It sounds like a position of weakness, but if you think about it, it'd be a position of strength. You'd give people their most solemn desire, and in turn, they'd be eternally grateful... right? For most people, they'd be eternally grateful anyways. There are those impossible people that can't be pleasured no matter what the cost, but who wants gratification for those cats anyways?

I know what I want, and I suppose you can't ever have what you want until you work for it. Which it doesn't mean working hard. I've taken that route... hard work gets you nothing but a pat on a back and a "atta boy". Or in my case, a "oh, you're too nice". So fuck working hard. That shit is for saps. I'd rather take it easy and just work smart for once. That's what people appreciate, or atleast admire I should say. Hard work just displays that you'll do anything for a little respect. But somewhere in that thinking, people don't want to respect the people that work hard. It's like "damn, I can get whatever I want out of this chump... I wonder what else I can get?". I just got sick of that nonsense and mind sight. Don't work hard my friends, change the dynamic and work smart. Watch how easy it is to get what you want.

Anyways, basketball is on. And I've got a long day of work tomorrow. I don't have plans this weekend, but we're going to make some maaaaaaaaaaaagic happen bitch. I'm stoked.

The Australian Pleasure 'Bot

2009-04-23T01:09:00.005-04:00

This wasn't what I was expecting to post today. In fact, I was going more along the lines of a "vlog". But my camera isn't functioning. So, I made this instead... enjoy:

It's too late for a blog. But never too late for a stainless steel mustache ride apparently...

The Revival

2009-04-22T00:21:00.003-04:00

Oh, Daddy's back.

It's like taking a step into your old high school 5 years removed and feeling like you own the place. But then you remember that feeling isn't really how much you "own" the place, but more like how sorry you are for ever coming back. Then you find some cute girl walking by and you pray that your in-state age laws fit the criteria you're looking for.

So here's what's up: I'm not going to do the normal sports coverage I used to do on this site. In fact, I'll only talk about stuff I want to talk about. So you can expect lots of Gators, Braves, Buccaneers, Magic... and I don't know. Whatever. I'll throw in some video games and definitely some stuff regarding my personal life. So More Credible is back on the internet, but not quite the same old song and dance. It's like I'm throwing out my old audience to bring in a new one. No window shoppers here.

This post is just sorta getting my feet wet. I'll have more interesting stuff to write about tomorrow. In fact, tomorrow I have a special surprise for you from my Myspace blog. Aren't you excited? Oh, I'm sure you are.

OFF THE DOME PIECE

2008-02-19T12:25:00.002-05:00

I don't know if this video is old or not, but it's new to me. Own goals always kick ass, but doing it like this? This young man just opened a whole new meaning of the word "Jackass".

EPIC POST: MATCH.COM MONDAYS

2008-02-18T16:31:00.001-05:00

The Cavs shooting guard would like you to read his profile...

But it remains to be seen if he's really looking for love?

IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY

2008-02-18T13:28:00.005-05:00

This weekend, I was graced to watch the Florida Gators basketball team choking away the waning seconds of a conference battle between Vanderbilt. With about 26 seconds left (or the final shot) and down only a point, Jai Lucas took the ball up half court. The Gators would hold for the final shot... ya' know? Well, that was until Lucas passed the ball over the half court line to Nick Calathes who then proceeded to go back over the half-court stripe for a kickass "Back court Violation" turnover. Florida had to foul Vandy, which hit both of their free throws, before Florida clanked two three's to close the game (Vandy won 61-58). It really filled my Saturday full of giggles (frustration, really, if you didn't catch the sarcasm) until the NBA Slam Dunk Contest. So all weekend, my brother has been riding me over Calathes' fuck up, inspiring him to comment on my Myspace:

You're an asshole Zach, and I hope you know that I've always been Mom and Dad's favorite.

YOUNG SOCCER HOOLIGANS HARASS OLD TIMER

2008-02-15T13:42:00.002-05:00

I wasn't expecting too much when I first saw the video, and especially after seeing some of the dumbass editing involved, but I was quite pleased with the final result. A bunch of high school kids go to check out a 30+ over indoor soccer league, which is just as boring as it sounds, and decide to heckle one of the players. He proceeds to have a shouting match back with them, high school hilarity follows.

30+ over leagues... Lord, that just doesn't sound right. Imagine that happening in the NFL or Victoria's Secret? Oh, wait... already happened.

JERRY STACKHOUSE IS SUCH AN ACCIDENTAL COCKBLOCK

2008-02-15T13:14:00.003-05:00

A lot of you have already heard the news about the Jason Kidd trade and a lot of you agree that Kidd is not worth that much. Mark Cuban and his front office of circus clowns and balloon animals obviously want to win it all right now, especially with teams like the Lakers and the Suns(?) bulking up on the front line by trading for a player clearly in the latter years of his career, and is only bound to get worse... not better. Makes perfect sense to obliterate your own front line to get help in the back court. Going backwards to go forward. You follow me? No? Fuck yourself.

A lot of hype has gone into this deal, but it probably won't go through because of the big mouth of one Jerry Stackhouse (one of the components of the trade). Apparently, Stackhouse made a prearranged agreement with the Nets and the Mavs so that Stack could buyout his contract with Jersey, wait out the 30 day wait period, and return to the Mavs. The only problem with all of that big worded talk, is that that kinda violates League rules. So the NBA is going to investigate these comments:

For the Mavericks, the trouble started when Stackhouse, 33, gave an interview to the Associated Press on Wednesday that suggested there was a plan for how his trade, buyout and eventual re-signing with Dallas would unfold.

Stackhouse said that he was only part of the deal “to make the numbers work.”

What’s more, he said, “I feel great. I get 30 days to rest then I’ll be right back. I ain’t going nowhere.”

I only wish the system of marriage was somewhat similar. Have my wife traded away for an upgrade for two first round picks (my two firstborn), only to have her come back after 30 days after she buys out her contract with her new husband. It's a suggestion I'm working out with the catholic church. They're being a little too picky, saying stuff about "not intended by matrimony" and "morals"... yeah whatever.

Hey, if all of this can happen in the League where "the amazing happens", the same should come where from the league where "He happens".

EPIC POST: WE'RE BACK

2008-02-13T15:39:00.001-05:00

Hey everyone, I'm back from hiatus.

I've written a post. You're obligated to read it. Or I'll come to your house and gut your goldfish.

I SHALL RETURN

2008-02-11T10:22:00.000-05:00

On Wednesday that is. I've had so much schoolwork to do, that trying to juggle that, blogging, and the pwning I'm doing on Gears... well, you get the idea.

Thanks for being loyal, I apologize for being a loser. A big, nerdy loser.

EXCUSE THE DUST

2008-02-06T10:16:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the no posts the past few days. I've got those mid-terms going on, so school is taking a higher gear than MC right now. Not to say MC should ever take a lower gear anyways because... I mean... this site runs the internet. I'm surprised information is still being distributed over the net as I study.

EPIC POST: PAU GASOL

2008-02-04T17:27:00.001-05:00

The Lakers new center is looking for love... I think?

SPORTS REPORTER GETS HARASSED

2008-02-04T15:38:00.000-05:00

Natalie Perks (the female in this video) was just having another day on the job. Until she was raped... via lips... via... cheek.

Soccer fans are so much fun. I just want to have a mob of my own and keep them like pets. I'd entertain them with Fox Soccer Channel (24/7 of "pressing" soccer coverage).

'YOU JUST GOT ELI-ED'

2008-02-04T00:24:00.000-05:00

It's over. It's fucking over. After last night's Super Bowl, that adage "that's why they play the game" will forever be chiseled into my brain. Chiseled like the label "complete douschebag" when I think of Jeremy Shockey, Rodney Harrison, Antonio Pierce, or Bill Belichick. Basically, I didn't like anyone from the Super Bowl, but I won't lie, I was completely entertained.

I want you to think about this: ELI MANNING IS A SUPER BOWL CHAMPION. Eli. Fucking. Manning. The guy has a face that only an estranged mother could love. The guy that during the regular season had a right arm dubbed "I.N.T. CANNON". But I'm not going to hate on Eli. That was my thought process before the NFC Championship game in Green Bay. But then there's what I've been shown tonight, that Eli Manning is truly a great quarterback. He follows his brother, the year after he won his first, and made a name for himself. Kick-ass stuff, just like a kilo of blow sitting on your doorstep.

Now with that said, time to sit back and laugh at the Patriot fans that slurped the "Perfect team" all season long. The team that was getting books pre-written about that Perfect season, that never happened. The same team that was getting a clothing line about them titled "Perfectville". I love it.

Simply fucking nuts. There's no other way to describe it.

YAY! SUPER BOWL. BLARGH.

2008-02-01T16:07:00.000-05:00

Can't wait for Sunday to be here? And ultimately gone? Me too dude, me too. My boy Spike over here (the football-shaped-mascot), is ready for this shit to be over as well. Well, judging by the picture and the prostitutes he boasts proudly in both arms, he's just ready for the after party.

Normally, I'm not that guy that likes the two week break between the championship games and the Super Bowl, but I think I'm beginning to like the concept. I need a lot of time to digest the magnitude of this game. I mean, I need ESPN to force-feed history and stats and long-distance-man-love for the Patriots. It's necessary, like hunting a wounded animal with an AK-47.

All joking aside, I know I do see the magnitude of this game, and what sort of history we could be witnessing. It's just, I hope I'm stone-drunk in the middle of the third quarter, and any audibles Eli Manning spews through southern/unintelligible dialect actually make sense... for once. Tom Brady's ankle has been sensationalized to the point where I want his ankle to make a clean break in the second half (not really, because he's so beautiful. It would be a impossible to think of him as flawed).

I'll say this, I actually believe in the comparisons between the Giants secondary versus the Patriots linebackers, the weakest units of both teams (sorta). The Patriots are ancient, but experienced. The Giants are young... and awful. But for whatever reason, I like their chances. Do I have the balls and pick the Giants to beat the Pats? Or do I shill out like every other person out there, taking history and accept endless Patriot-orgasm on Sportscenter for the rest of my life?

I have no back bone...

Prediction: Patriots over Giants

Enjoy your weekend, hope you'll be partying as hard as I will... without being in Phoenix... right?

SOCCER BRINGS US TOGETHER?

2008-02-01T10:46:00.000-05:00

Or are each of these recipients in this video just trying to strangle each other? Damn it, I wish these fancy clay people would start speakin' American.

EPIC POST: FLORIDA ATHLETES AND ALCOHOL

2008-01-30T16:35:00.000-05:00

Coke and rum sure is a nifty cocktail,

when you're old enough to drink it...

UCLA IS VERY... UHH...

2008-01-30T13:34:00.000-05:00

Someone who goes to UCLA and is big time believer in the NBA's new marketing ploy adding "Where [insert thing here] happens" and put together a nice scrapbook of kinds for all of Youtube and my readers to see. If I ever get into Asian girls, that is without a doubt the first school I'll be applying for Grad school. From the montage, that's like Japan/China/Korea/Thailand of the East. Which isn't so bad, especially if they hail from the communist countries. I heard something like the guys have complete control over there? Stuff like calling sex on a whim? And I could throw baby girls away? I totally approve.

On a side note, I have to thank UCLA so much for some of the joy they've given to me at UF. I could get into the details, but that'd just take way too long. In the mean time, I've got some Asian porn to catch up on.

Sayonara, bitches! (for now)

EXPRESSING EXTREME DISPLEASURE

2008-01-30T10:18:00.000-05:00

Let me start with this on the Johan Santana trade:

This guy doesn't approve.

Yeah, the Mets are getting a Cy Young caliber pitcher who is moving from one of the hardest divisions in the American League, to the National League, which is like placing Lawrence Taylor in a Pee-Wee Midget game. All of this for four prospects. Am I the only person who doesn't understand the whole "trade big names for future talent?" Who's to say these guys will ever be any good in the Majors? Blah, another post for another day.

They had to drop that well-groomed-bearded-fucker in the National League East, to the dreaded New York Mets against my innocent Atlanta Braves. Johan winning 22 games in the National League? I wouldn't be surprised if he flirts with 26-27, as ridiculous as that sounds. Which just typing that makes me want to hire a trained and professional pigeon to beak-shank him on the mound.

How do I say I don't want him to play without having wish him harm? Hmm...

I hope his fastball slows down to a blistering 45 miles per hour.

More on this on the Carnival...

PACKERS HAVE HUGE FANS

2008-01-29T12:01:00.000-05:00

Is that a runaway bear on the right? Or did that thing swallow a keg in the middle of it's ~~mating dance~~ "Cheese" stomping?

I GET GIDDY FOR POINT GUARDS

2008-01-29T10:17:00.001-05:00

Last night was a good night if you get "more than excited" for stat lines, like myself. Just take Hornet's PG Chris Paul against the Denver Nuggets. Judging by the highlights, the Nuggets preferred the "no defense" attack, because I saw Kenyon Martin several times throughout the highlights. That helped Paul torch (23 points, 9 rebounds, 17 assists). I didn't get to watch the game because of local blackout, but I'm just curious to see how one could still score that many points and manage to score that many assists. Because I could use some help on my own game, which has been described as "sub-par" by many "homies" at the local recreational center. And I'm just simply gay for how great PG play has put the Hornets in first place in the West. And no surprise that the team in second place (in the West), has a pretty good point guard too.

The Jazz's Deron Williams had a rather special night as well, scoring 11, dishing out 14, and grabbing 5 boards in a win over the San Antonio ~~Lucifers~~ err... Spurs.

And it looks like Jason Kidd is finally going to get moved out of New Jersey. Which is about damn time, considering he's still pulling off triple-double's like it's his job (I guess technically, it is) and Vince Carter is playing a lot more like Vince Cunter.

NBA 2K8 IS A PIECE OF DVD GARBAGE

2008-01-28T00:15:00.000-05:00

I've posted about NBA 2K8 in the past, so everytime I find a video on it, I almost feel it would be a disservice from me to you if I didn't show you how God-awful this game is. For one, Tyrus Thomas is simply unstoppable... just like real life. Sure. Just take this clip for instance. Thomas is inbounding the ball to Ben Wallace, who is standing under the Grizzlies basket. Thomas still chucks it and ends up wet.

The guy who edited this video did a pretty good job. The text at the beginning is useless, especially when the label of the video is already something like "NBA 2K8 GLITCHES", I really don't need to be told that what I'm watching is a glitch. But special kids don't play by the rules. That's how Eli Manning got so far.

Keep leanin' Ben, you're look suave.

I'VE GOT CHARGER FEVAH

2008-01-25T13:59:00.001-05:00

AND THE ONLY CURE IS WHITE PEOPLE DOING SHAWN MERRIMAN DANCES.

BODE MILLER IS TRAINING HARD

2008-01-24T10:53:00.000-05:00

Now at first look, you'd probably figure this video would be Bode putting back a keg of Natty Ice all by him lonesome. No, not this video my friends, but I'll scour Youtube for that one. I remember back when Bode Miller used the Olympics as a catapult for a "foreign fiesta". To see he'll be back amongst the ranks as a competitive skier really exercises some of the demons that have been haunting me. Those demons called "Captain Morgan", "Hangover", "Chaser", and "How'd you get in this bed with me?"

That last one never really bothered me that much, but I kept forgetting her name. That's why her nick-name is so long right now.

EPIC POST: GISELE BUNDCHEN

2008-01-23T16:10:00.001-05:00

Tom Brady isn't the only one blowin' up the headlines...

His girlfriend is doing it too.

BO RYAN IS OFFICIALLY AWESOME

2008-01-23T14:52:00.000-05:00

College Basketball coach in the Big Ten? Normally a stick in the mud.

College Basketball coach in the Big Ten Cranking that Souljah Boy and pantomiming sexual acts such as "Supermanning that hoe"? Puts him 2nd in my list of favorite College Basketball coaches.

Hope you caught those bitches in their sleep, Bo.

[HT: To reader Max Seltzer for the find]

GREG ODEN: SAVIOR OF THE CHILDREN

2008-01-23T13:42:00.000-05:00

The 2007 #1 overall pick in the NBA Draft visited the Boys and Girls Club yesterday. Oh what those little kids must've been thinking:

Talk about a sell-out. Those kids look homeless for a reason. Maybe if those kids did something productive with their time instead of wasting my hard-earned(?) tax dollars on food and water, their mommy's wouldn't have to work that pole every night in my local night club. Now if mommy decided to work for my dollars, that I wouldn't mind so much...

THAT DAMN JACKET...

2008-01-23T00:33:00.000-05:00

The Coma induced Giant, Kentucky basketball, finally got their shit together for two full halves. They took down the third ranked Tennessee Volunteers at Rupp, 72-66. Stud freshman Patrick Patterson led the way for Big Blue, scoring 20 points (shooting 6-11), 8 rebounds, and 3 blocks. Tennessee's Chris Lofton led all scorers with 22 points on 50% shooting and two ugly parents. His dad looked like a giant orange bowling ball in the stands. And his mouth was constantly chewing on something... like uhh, his self-respect?

I guess this is national news because Kentucky basketball fans are so devoted to their team, to not have something like this happen for them would officially put them on suicide watch (they're still under .500, 8-9). It was their second ranked team from the state of Tennessee. Get them to schedule #1 ranked Memphis, and it'd be a fucking party in Lexington.

Bruce Pearl's wardrobe is a downright eyesore. When he sports the creamsicle blazer, is it supposed to represent "formal hunting" night in Knoxville? I didn't think people from Tennessee could be formal. Not unless it was a hot date... with their cousin.

TONY SIRAGUSA WANTS HIS F'IN HONEY

2008-01-22T23:36:00.000-05:00

Ain't no syrup in that 100% shit. This shit's real.

God, I can't watch this video without feeling like I need an emergency quadruple heart bypass surgery.

CRISTIANO RONALDO IS WICKED FAST

2008-01-22T23:18:00.000-05:00

It's not often you find stumble upon videos on C. Ronaldo on Youtube... (that aren't involving parties with prostitutes?) But low and behold, I found one that can be viewed by all audiences! What's this video teach us? Italian made vehicles are slow and pieces of garbage? Or bright orange shoes help you out run ridiculous shuttle runs in even more ridiculous tests?

Nike, your marketing never ceases to stupefy me.

ELI MANNING, THE LEADER?

2008-01-21T11:52:00.000-05:00

I've been trashin' on Eli on the site, but I've got to say, he's earned my respect and I've got to quit hatin' on a playa. For three consecutive games, I've picked the Giants to lose but time after time, Eli kept the Giants from turning the ball over, and getting the ball downfield to his receivers. For this, I consider Eli Manning to be the most influential guy with down syndrome of our time. If he can take his team to the Super Bowl, I need to start taking the off-season training more seriously. And as for the Packers, how many chances do you need? Lawrence Tynes misses two field goals late in the game, Plaxico dropped a ball that would've had the Giants 1st and Goal, and they started with the ball in overtime. But #4 throws an interception? It's disappointing stuff. Much like the time my Venezuelan ex-girlfriend told me she was over the age of 18. Whether or not that will end up being Favre's last pass of the season remains to be seen... (for the seventh straight season?)

And the AFC Championship wasn't as exciting as I had hoped it to be. The Chargers had "climax problems", failing to seal the deal in the Red Zone, turning four trips to field goals. Those Red Zone trips were also helped by the Chargers secondary picking Brady off three times. I had to ask NASA whether or not the Earth was spinning on the same Axis after hearing that news. LaDainian Tomlinson will have to think of the off-season and what "could've been" had he got to play in this game. Instead, the undefeated Patriots move onto the Super Bowl to play against what seems to be an overachieving NFC Championship team. I say "overachieving" because I could protest that there are some high school powderpuff teams that could win that conference.

God, that was such a sweet idea. Hot chicks playing football. Bless you, inventor of the Powderpuff game.

MORE USELESS PREDICTIONS

2008-01-18T14:06:00.000-05:00

Since there's nothing else really exciting going on, I suppose I'll dive into the NFC and AFC Championships for more useless predictions that I'll never admit to (unless I'm right of course):

NFC Championship: GREEN BAY PACKERS Vs. NEW YORK GIANTS

I won't lie, I haven't been a huge fan of football up until very recently (6 years ago). Before that, I was all about baseball, video games, and fantasizing about girl on girl action through scrambled cable. Bless you old Television. Anyways, this is the first game in recent memory that the NFC Championship game will take place in fucking cold weather. I put the emphasis on fucking cold because there's a difference between Wisconsin cold and Philadelphia cold. Not to say Philly doesn't get cold, it does, but Wisconsin's kind of cold makes your free hangin' balls want to shed tears. And that's freaky. They're expecting snow and the same weather you saw last week in the Divisional Round versus the Seahawks.

The Giants have been the biggest shock this entire postseason. I for one, didn't give them any chance of beating the Bucs in the first round, and against the Cowboys, I thought it was a hopeless cause. But alas, their defense has really shown up, and Osi Umenyiora is applying the pressure (literally). But I still can't see Eli Manning playing this good for a long stretch. I mean, just look at the guy. He looks like a fictional hero for people with frontal lobotomies. And where's the interception cannon we've all grown to love connected to Eli's chest? That's got to change against the Packers secondary. I'd feel out of place if he didn't throw atleast 3 this weekend. When he came out of the womb, Eli tossed his umbilical cord to the opposing team. True story.

On the other hand, you got Ryan Grant of the Homeless People. That 200+ yard performance last weekend was pretty special. And it never hurts that you have the world's most awesome "5 o'clock shadow" tossing the rock for ya. Green Bay's defense is going to have another excellent game in the cold, and if you were to ask me which of these two teams had the better running game, I'd tell you to "smell the cheese".

No, I have no fucking clue what that means. It sounds cool though.

Pick: GREEN BAY over NEW YORK

AFC CHAMPIONSHIP: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS Vs. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

I don't want to be the 1,000,000th guy to pick the Patriots over the Chargers, but to hold onto any threshold of credibility by the tail, I need to. These are the type of games New England thrives on: Games that come with hardware and rings. Although, I do believe that the Chargers are way more talented than the Patriots, they're young and this is a position they're not accustomed to. Just take you for instance. I mean sure, you think you've got game, but if you were in the bedroom with Jessica Alba and your procreation together would become world's greatest spawn, biology and nerves say you aren't going to get it up. Just spittin' truths homie. The pressure would be pretty intense. It's not your comfort zone.

You work on mediocre chicks first, and then work your way up to the babes. That's how I got started, just as long as their parents gave me permission to see their 16 year old daughter.

Did anyone catch Sean Salisbury on Sportscenter this morning? Calling New England the greatest offense of all time? Granted, I won't deny that claim, but could they have picked any worse person to talk about New England? Salisbury would drop trough for Tom Brady on national television if it meant they could shake the bad foot together. Groooooooooooooooss dude.

Anyways, I'm also concerned that the Chargers really aren't healthy for a game like this. Phillip Rivers and Antonio Gates haven't been practicing, and although LT is out there, he's still sportin' something to help out that hyperextended knee. The Patriots on the other hand, are as healthy as ever.

Fuck.

Pick: NEW ENGLAND over SAN DIEGO

EPIC POST: BOLTS AND PATS

2008-01-16T16:19:00.001-05:00

The Chargers/Patriots game (AKA, The AFC Championship game) is sure to be a lot of fun this weekend.

Maybe a little... "too much fun"?

SERENAS BUTT IS PLUMP BY ANNOUNCER'S STANDARDS

2008-01-16T12:41:00.000-05:00

Women's tennis has never been one of favorite subjects. Probably because the sport has become less sexy, and focuses more on women's competition than what I really want: dames with tight bodies in revealing dresses. But I can see that this announcer was making an effort to bring back the American Male viewer by looking over the body of... Serena Williams?

Look pal, if I dug chicks that were built like a motherfuckin' H3, Serena would be right up my alley. However, I like my woman like I like my cinnamon sticks... thin, brittle, and brow- err.... scratch that last part.

EPIC POST: MATCH.COM MONDAYS

2008-01-14T14:50:00.000-05:00

It's the sexy "every other Monday", so that means it's time for a Match.com profile on Epic Carnival by yours truly.

Think Cowboys Coach Wade Phillips tickles your pickle?

AWWWKWAAARD

2008-01-14T11:14:00.000-05:00

So despite going 3-1 on my prognostications on the NFL this weekend, my one sure "win" was the team that ended up losing. Romo was just mediocre at best (18-36, 201 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT) and Eli threw two touchdowns and no interceptions in a 21-17 victory. Is this a new Eli? I'm not going to lie, I'm uncomfortable with Eli Manning not firing up the interception cannon. It's as if the world is spinning on a whole new axis, and is going directly into the sun. Some people are going to blame Mexico, and T.O. is telling the reporters that "it isn't fair". I'm not going to bash Owens. For once, he's showing some compassion that I don't see out of the NFL. Everyone acts like such a hardass, so to see someone let it go for once really says something to me.

And also this weekend was Philip Rivers acting like a douschebag to Colt fans and sitting out the whole game, the Patriots winning again and Reggie Nelson saying dumb shit, and Brett Favre and Ryan Grant combining for the largest testies on Earth. True story.

THIS COULD ONLY MEAN THE END

2008-01-12T11:01:00.000-05:00

For alot of people, today means more than what January 1st means to me (that's the start of the real bowl season, it's just a shame this year's bowl games were God-awful). Some people get really hyped for the NFL playoffs. I like it, but I'm just not a pro guy like some others are. Anyways, here's a white kid rapping about the playoffs and calling Belichick a cheater.

I approve.

Did I just hear Chris Berman drop a "Get Money" reference?

ROMO READY TO TAP THAT ASS

2008-01-11T14:35:00.001-05:00

Cowboy's Quarterback Tony Romo sure has taken a lot of harassment lately after his little vacay with sexy celeb Jessica Simpson over the bye week. The relationship has been ridiculed while the 'Boys have been in playoff (and well, now Super Bowl contention) by fellow players and you could find Dallas journalists and fans pissed off about it as well. The man's just living a life, and if you had an opportunity with something like Miss Simpson, you'd probably be doing the same thing, degenerates. So what's a man to do? I'm thinking the Cowboys are going to lay a good ole' ass whoopin' on the New York Giants. You and I both know that Eli Manning is going to have the Interception Cannon ready for Sunday and despite T.O.'s injury, he's had a record of playing great in the playoffs. Why am I saying this? No clue. I just fucking feel it. And because I can't stand seeing Tom Coughlin happy. The NFL Natzi must go down.

Other picks?

Patriots over the Jaguars (Oooh, way to go out on a limb Gould).
-Yeah, I've got money riding on this game. So of course I took the Patriots. Brady's semen is the cure to every venereal disease out there. How else could you explain how he's slept with so many women and not one damn symptom.

Chargers over the Colts
-L.T. had an off week last week and still won. Think he'll have a game like that two weeks in a row? Nah. That's got as much chance as Norv Turner mutating into a vulture. Oh, actually, he's already got that one covered. Forget that I ever said that.

Packers over the Seahawks
-Although I know Mike Holmgren could eat the entire city of Green Bay if it were really covered in cheese, Brett Favre has a beard... and BEARDS WIN IN THE PLAYOFFS. Except for Kyle Orton's beard. I like to refer to that as "facial pubic hair". Not so championship.

YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT

2008-01-11T14:15:00.000-05:00

And for this Temple student in the bottom left of the video... well, you get the idea.

FAT PEOPLE MAKE EXCELLENT CHOIR FOLK

2008-01-11T14:00:00.000-05:00

Man, lighten up Emo Kid. Life ain't all that bad. That scowl could kill Richard Simmon's hot pants.

DMAC GOT ARRESTED, SORTA

2008-01-10T12:03:00.000-05:00

Scene: You're in a piano bar (a fucking piano bar?). You're having a few drinks, talking to some ugly girls that you pray are going to get tipsy enough to make some bad decisions and then you see Darren McFadden walk through the door. Your first thought might be "Damn, the uglier one has a much body than the less ugly one". Your next might be "Is that Darren McFadden? Two time Heisman runner-up? And why is he at a piano bar?" You might go up to the Boss Hawg, asking for an autograph. Or you might think you're some sort of badass and try to pick a fight. Something that is ill-advised:

Arkansas' All-American running back and at least four others were at the downtown bar when a disturbance broke out shortly after midnight, police Lt. Terry Hastings said. A bouncer was hit in the face as he was trying to get the group to leave, Hastings said. A police report did not specify who hit the bouncer.

"There was a whole bunch of people there," Hastings said. "They were inside and it spilled out into the street."

Outside, McFadden was handcuffed by a police officer "because he was agitated and was provoking aggressive behavior inciting the incident," according to the police report.

"We handcuffed him for a few minutes because he was rowdy," Hastings said.

Oooh, kinky. Back to you Bobby Petrino.

EPIC POST: JIM DELANEY'S NEW NOTE

2008-01-09T15:30:00.000-05:00

Oh, it's rich stuff...

I swear.

A PREVIEW OF WHATS TO COME

2008-01-09T12:00:00.000-05:00

OLYMPICS IN GIANT HONEYCOMBS.

WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE!

JOHN CENA GETS EVEN, WEARS LIPSTICK?

2008-01-09T11:04:00.000-05:00

This video was brought to you from 2005's Teens Choice Awards and by random ass videos I find as I scour through Youtube. The two talk about professional wrestling, A.K.A. "glorified sex between men" as Cena spins what I assume is his championship belt draped over his shoulder before they break into an argument over whether wrestlers get mad or even. Then Hulk Hogan rips his shirt off, puts Cena in a headlock, and then the clip magically fast forwards where Cena is seen with his shirt off and is sporting some crookedly done lipstick. Or fake blood. Whichever you prefer (I heard the hardcore bitches use blood, my kinda lady). Which leaves you, the viewer, wondering what happened in those minutes or hours skipped.

Mmmmm... John Cena and Hulk Hogan having sex. Like two T-Rexes going at it (NSFW? I'm not sure) but with lipstick...

and an actual vagina.

OH, KISS MY ASS

2008-01-09T09:27:00.001-05:00

This is the mandatory post I should've had for the National Championship game two days ago between Ohio State and LSU. I'm surprised I didn't have the time to trash on Ohio State, or the Big 10 for that matter, all day Tuesday. Probably because I got a little amped after Brent Musburger sucking on the teet on the sweatervest during his announcing of the Indiana / Michigan game last night (IU won handedly, 78-64).

Can this please be the end of the Big 10 Champion in the National Championship discussion? The beating the Buckeyes took from the Southeastern Conference champions was worse than the final score indicated. It also improved their superb record against SEC opponents in bowl games to 0-9. Bravo Sweatervest. Bra-fucking-vo. We all witnessed LSU receivers seem invincible as Ohio State's piss poor "#1 defense in the country" miss tackles. They looked completely confused most of the night against LSU's option when utilized, and the tight end pass must blow their fucking minds in Big 10 country because the Buckeyes sure didn't want to cover one. LSU's Richard Dickson looked like a God-damn Antonio Gates out there. He might've raised his draft stock from "bagging groceries" to "6th round" from this game alone. Despite my loathe for the Bayou Bengals and their coach with huge nads, I tip of the hat goes your way Louisiana. You were indeed, the best team in the country this year. You represented your conference and fans very well. In fact, not a bad bowl season for the SEC. After sending 9 teams, 7 came out as victors (most bowl wins from one conference). Next in line was the Big 12, with 5. The Big 10 was 3-5. Nice job northerners. I swear, the only good you guys were ever good for was Abraham Lincoln and the Union.

Fuck the Confederacy. Robert Lee was a homo.

UPDATE: SCHOOLS IN SESSION

2008-01-08T11:53:00.000-05:00

For those of you interested, I haven;t had much time to write because of school being back in session. And because I've got to be one of the few people on the planet that uses drop/add week as an extended "sign-up" period.

So, with that said, we'll be back to business as usual starting later today through Friday, and normal posting Monday through Friday. I'm serious this time fucks.

And if only the picture were true. And NOT done by MS Paint.

BEN MOFFITT WANTS TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE

2008-01-04T09:21:00.000-05:00

The attached video is a story about USF Middle Linebacker Ben Moffitt being a "Linebacker. Leader. Husband. Father." Which is all gravy when the national media gives you praise and attention for it. Except when it was all a lie:

For the past four years, Ben Moffitt has been a standout linebacker for USF, celebrated just as much as a father and husband who made a daily 55-mile commute from campus to be with his family.

Shauna Moffitt said Thursday that her husband left her with their two children, ages 5 and 3, on Nov. 11 - the day after the Bulls ended a three-game losing streak with a win at Syracuse - and has had limited contact with them since. Throughout his time at USF, his scholarship money has helped pay for the rent or mortgage, but since leaving their Bushnell home in Sumter County, he has not done anything to support his family financially, she said.

"He is living a lie," she said. "He's lying to everyone. He's not helping us with anything."

Shauna should lighten up. Considering how hapless the Bulls defense was during their three game skid after reaching the #2 ranking in the country this season, Moffitt must've been going through a lot of stress. Thank God for pole dancers.

Every once in a while Daddy's got to take a vacay from the wife and kids. Daddy calls it "maternal custody" and Mommy calls it "food stamps".

Their marriage of five years has deteriorated to the point that Shauna, 26, made public Thursday a larger allegation, that she had taken multiple online courses for her husband and written papers for his college classes to keep him eligible to play football.

"I have written every single paper he has ever written in five years at USF," said Shauna, a data specialist in the Sumter County Appraiser's Office

That's a bold claim. A student athlete that doesn't participate in school? These are dark times indeed. Doesn't this chick know? Ben came to school to party, not to write some dumb papers.

And I'll remind you that these claims are being made by a fat chick. Like, big bloating cow. For Ben to hop into bed with her was like harpooning a Blue Whale with a side of kids.

EPIC POST: SOCCER IN CHINA

2008-01-02T12:53:00.000-05:00

China REEEEEEEEAAAALLY wants to get to the World Cup.

Like, deathly bad.

I ENDORSE BEATING UP HOMOSEXUALS

2008-01-02T11:47:00.000-05:00

When I saw "Beating up Chris Crocker" on Youtube, I knew it had to be worth my time. When I saw it was a geeky asian kid doing it via Wii Sports, it really flacidized my penis.

A+ for the idea.
F for effort.

OPEN MOUTH, INSERT FOOT

2008-01-02T10:01:00.000-05:00

WARNING: Excessive cursing up ahead. If you can't deal with that, shove a buttering knife into your bicep.

I'd like to veto my post about how awesome 2008 was going to be. So far, this New Year has been as a poke in the eye with a bayonet rifle. Especially following yesterday's awful bowl games. Here's a recap:

-Michigan rallied for Coach Lloyd Carr, beating the Florida Gators in the Capital One Bowl 41-36. Michigan's "potent" offense cut through Florida's ridiculously bad secondary like liquid magma through mozzarella cheese, with Chad Henne going for a career high 373 yards passing. I'd like everyone to think about that, Florida got smoked by Chad FUCKING Henne. I guarantee he's the only guy walking on the field that people would agree "Yep, that guy has down syndrome". Florida's defense would have never had a stop, had it not been for four turnovers. Two of which came from Michael Hart, who never turns the ball over. Tebow didn't have a "Tim TEBOW" day, despite scoring four touchdowns. And Dan Mullen doesn't have any interest in spreading the ball out to none other than Percy Harvin. By the way, Joey Ijjas is going to have an excellent career someday... making burritos. His foot is as useful as rat shit on a plate.

With all of that said, I congratulate Michigan on the victory. They were long overdue. As pointed out by commenter thunderfist, Michigan only seemed to have a problem with "only fast" quarterbacks. Tebow still had four touchdowns, fuck you very much. It was Florida's defense that couldn't do squat. (Just kidding buddy, I love you. Let's make sex. ;) )

*sigh*

It's just nice to think that this year's defense is going to be overhauled starting next season. And me murdering Dan Mullen by vehicle manslaughter.

-Southern Cal completely had their anal way with the "Amputee" Zookers, 49-17 in yesterday's thrilling Rose Bowl game. I actually played a drinking game with myself (yes, myself), taking a sip for each time Brent Musburger would mention "partnah", "Ohio State", "Grand daddy of them all", and "cock-giggle". I didn't hear much of the last one, but I carried an excellent buzz for the Sugar Bowl and God willing did I need it. By the way, I'd like to inform the internetz that the Rose Bowl committee are a bunch of old, traditional, hapless fogies. These are the same old people that are wrecking automobiles, breathing excessive oxygen, creating foul odors, and spending every last dime this country has to offer. I'd post an eagle ripping through a retired citizen right here if I could, but I'd probably be investigated for homicide via bird predator. No one gives a limp-dick fuck about PAC-10 / BIG-10 matchups anymore. I'd rather watch two kids following frontal lobotomy surgeries dry-hump a watermelon.

-The Sugar Bowl. Christ.

All I need to look at is the 6 turnovers given by Hawaii. God almighty, does anyone want to hold onto the ball. By the way Fox, sweet coverage on "The Dreadheads" right before the game. That's pretty much how no one's hair should ever look, unless their parents hate them. I bet if the Rainbow Warriors had just pretend that they were playing federal charges to be dropped, they would've won 1536 - 4. Let's go ahead and pretend like that game never happened. OR ANY OF THESE GAMES EVER HAPPENED.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

2008-01-01T14:40:00.000-05:00

Yeah, 2008 is going to rule.

To kick it off, I'll be doing my first Live Blog on Epic Carnival. I'll cover the Sugar Bowl, so come on over, have a seat, and enjoy the dismantling of the Island Boys.

EPIC POST: MATCH.COM MONDAY

2007-12-31T15:15:00.001-05:00

I couldn't help myself...

I had to do one on Xavier Lee. He's looking for love.

SHAWN CRABLE IS INCREDIBLY RETARDED

2007-12-31T09:35:00.000-05:00

Defensive players at once "powerhouse" football programs sure have a ton of pride don't they? Or maybe they're just dumb. I'm not quite sure, but Michigan linebacker Shawn Crable is rackin' up some negative brainy points right about now:

“I think y’all are too concerned with this Tebow, I mean he’s just a quarterback,” Crable said Saturday. “He’s really not (different.) He’s got some freakish stats because they use him differently, they use him in the red zone a lot to run the ball but he’s nothing more exceptional than we’ve ever played against.

Shiiiiiiiiit. If he's right, Michigan and it's fans aren't going to have the best New Year's Day. For a few reasons or four. And everyone should stop the presses, because I do believe this man has solved that Florida doesn't have a legit running game. That hasn't really bothered the Gators too much. Crable's manpleasers didn't stop there though:

“If you ask me about (Oregon’s) Dennis Dixon or you ask me about (former Texas quarterback) Vince Young, I’d be like, now those are some freakish people. You ask me about this guy, he’s just a quarterback.”

Which I guess Crable is right, I mean, Tebow really isn't that different from Dennis Dixon or Vince Young. Young won a national championship at his school, but no Heisman in the trophy room. Then there's Dennis Dixon, who absolutely tooled the Wolverines defense earlier in the season. And just for fun, I'll throw in Appalachian State's Armani Edwards into the mix, who torched the Wolverines in perhaps the biggest upset of the season. You're right, Tebow isn't all that different from those guys... he's better (except maybe for Vince Young, we'll see).

You know who's really pissed off right now? Lloyd Carr. He was probably thinking he stood a chance at winning his final game as the coach of Michigan. That all evaporated after Crable's comments. God that kid is smart. I sure hope he takes his academic scholarship from Michigan and uses it to cure leukemia or something like that.

Or bag my groceries.

NICE PASS

2007-12-28T17:15:00.000-05:00

It's really hard to find anything good from recreational basketball videos, but this one got my attention. Probably because the whitest guy on the court gets blasted in the face by a wanna-be-Hot-Sauce. And my infatuation with watching others in pain.

What's so wrong with that? I'm not sadistic...

Okay, maybe a little. But chicks love that shit though. Go give your girlfriend a titty-twister right now. She'll love you for it. 4-E.

EPIC POST: GET ON MY LEVEL

2007-12-28T11:50:00.000-05:00

I wanted to gloat about my recent success in Fantasy Football.

Read on...

ALIENS ARE TAKING OVER SOCCER

2007-12-27T17:43:00.001-05:00

Oh wait, nevermind. They're just Europeans. Carry on.

OH, THE NFL IS SO SAVVY

2007-12-27T09:10:00.000-05:00

The National Football League is so boring. Here we are in the prime time of the season and there's nothing really good going on. Most teams have clinched playoff spots and will not have their starters play for Week 17, and even the ones that do have to play for something, have bogus games. Take the Titans for instance, if they beat the Colts on Sunday, they're in the playoffs. That's not going to be that hard to accomplish, considering the Colts held 11 players from practice this week. And let me get this straight, I think it's totally smart to not play your best players a week before the playoffs. Those people that made those decisions went to a highly credited university, I can assure you. The Nationally televised game between the Patriots and the Giants will also be half-assed, but not by the team that should be resting. The Patriots will attempt history by being the second team in NFL history to go 16-0 in one calender season, and the first to go 16-0 in the regular season. Brady, Harrison, Maroney, Moss, will all be on the field. While the Giants bench now God-awful Eli Manning, and whatever other bum they got. I tell you, I heart Bill Belichick sometimes. He's got two balls... (that's a bold claim right?) and urban legend tells a tale of those heroic testies that beat up a young Jean Claude van Damme (nice picture, assclown). Or perhaps it's because Belichick is a large, walking, talking testi himself. If that were the case, he and Charlie Weis would be the testies for the football God himself. You can take a guess which testicle hangs way lower than the other. And if those are the roles those two coaches play, Brady Quinn would be the shaft of the league... (who might be starting on Sunday). What an image to behold.

The Browns, Vikings, and Saints are the three teams that are on the outside looking in for the playoff picture. Regardless of what Cleveland does, only a Titan's loss will secure a playoff spot for the young squad. The Vikings need a Redskin loss (who will be playing a non-starter Cowboy team) to get in, and the Saints would need both teams to lose.

Where's the drama? I thought the NFL was supposed to be rich with it? I can predict everything that's going to happen, and it sucks. The only claim I'll make is that Quinn will throw for 1,457 yards and 16 touchdowns if he plays. You can fucking bank that shit. That kid is going to titty-fuck the league once he starts playing.

A big shout out goes out to all of my peeps in the front office's for today's NFL's franchises. This half drank Colt-45 goes out to you... I just need to find a sidewalk to pour it on first.

MERRY CHRISTMAS DEGENERATES

2007-12-25T11:21:00.000-05:00

Add to My Profile

As you could possibly tell, I've taken a few days off due to work, holidays, and all of that jazz. I've been a real bad boy this month, I know. It's quite alright, I'll be back in full swing soon enough.

Merry Christmas everyone.

OUR TROOPS APPRECIATE THE CAKE

2007-12-21T14:44:00.000-05:00

EPIC CARNIVAL IS GETTING SH-LACKED

2007-12-20T12:01:00.000-05:00

C'mon, are you kidding me? Epic Carnival is getting blow out in Round 2 of Busted Coverage's blogger tournament. By MLB Trade Rumors? You'd figure our double-dunking basketball cheerleader would be enough for the #10 seed in the Mid-West bracket to take it all. Yo, all four of you readers, get over there and vote. I don't want MLBTR to put up a Steaktacular over the Carnival.

Boooooo. I'm going to suck down some bleach to get this sting out of my throat.

CELL PHONES CAN DO ANYTHING NOWADAYS

2007-12-20T11:24:00.000-05:00

Got a Blackberry? It's probably a piece of trash. That's why you should donate it to this guy and see if there's any obscure sports he can use along with the Blackberry.

Suggestions:
Blackberry Archery
Blackberry Equestrian
Blackberry Curling
Blackberry Women's Basketball

Wait, scratch that last one, I forgot that's not a real sport. You couldn't possibly hate anything that much.

EPIC POST: UK BASKETBALL IS NO BUENO

2007-12-19T17:01:00.001-05:00

Billy Gillispie a basketball coaching God? Patrick Patterson the new Randolph Morris?

PSSSSSSSSSSSYCHE!

ITS ABOUT TIME A SNOWMAN GOT SOME

2007-12-19T10:55:00.000-05:00

Packer Bobble Heads giving fellatio to snowman?

What a great time to be alive!

By the way, yesterday was tons of fun for yours truly, not like any of you even care. It put me in a position though where I was so exhausted I couldn't write anything last night. So, just video posts today.

I got this video from Busted Coverage, which is also having a Sports Blog of the Year tournament. More Credible didn't make the field of 64 (so how could this be legit, right?) but Epic Carnival did.

That's why I'm asking my readers to get out there and vote for us.
Bitches.

Right here.

[HT: Busted Coverage]

WORKING ON YOUR BIRTHDAY BLOWS

2007-12-18T11:41:00.000-05:00

Yeeeah, the subject line really says it all.

Life was totally sweet back when I was 16. I could take school off, go home and do a line of cocaine with the old man, and bang prostitutes that weren't infected with venereal diseases (because they were all excited that it was my birthday).

At the ripe age or 23, I'm working in the cold, and I'm pretty sure the most girly action I'll get today is if I slip into the local titty bar for a lap dance with some overweight girl named "Desire". I liked Desire though... she was the only woman that looked me directly in the eyes and told me I wasn't a loser.

But maybe she was saying because I slipped another $5 between the cleavage she had in my face. Husky chicks like that kinda stuff, especially the stripper husky chicks. rawr!

AT LAST, THAT MNF DIDN'T SUCK BALLS

2007-12-18T00:52:00.000-05:00

I saw a reoccurring theme with Monday Night Football the past few weeks: blowouts. I remember when I used to get excited about Monday night. Gone are those days, along with my obsession with Goldfish Crackers and scrambled pornography. Well, I still try to catch up on that one every once in a while, just to remember my roots.

Anyways, Adrian Peterson didn't run wild last night (78 yards on 20 carries), but he did score two touchdowns in the second half to secure a 20-13 win over the Chicago Bears and officially eliminated them from playoff contention. And what makes matters more pathetic for the Bears, was that Tavares Jackson committed four turnovers, and the Bears still couldn't win. That's pleasantly shitty.

I am infatuated with Lovie Smith by the way... or atleast the way he holds a press conference. God, I swear... you'd think the man was holding the worlds largest dump in his bowels. He always dances around questions and talking about how much change needs to happen yet nothing ever does. Could the Bears front office please hire me already? I could take a good job and fumble it away. Just ask Dino's Pizza.

THANK GOD

2007-12-17T14:08:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, the Falcons helped the Bucs create history with their God-awful kick return coverage. Before Sunday, the Bucs had never returned a kick return for a touchdown... ever. 32 fucking seasons. That was over 1800 attempts to take a ball endzone to endzone. Michael Moore had less attempts trying to lose his virginity. The Falcons were also bad enough to allow the Bucs to put up 37 points in a blowout. Trust me people, I'm a Bucs fan, but I know how bad the Bucs suck. They're not really that good. Despite the awesome record, and clinching the NFC South.

What's even more awesome? I could've been there to watch it had I not taken Christmas photos with my family two hours prior before the game. Please, like anyone gives a shit about Christmas cards. I could super-impose myself over a random family and have something like "Merry Christmas... stalkers" across the top and it'd do the job.

Actually, that's a brilliant idea. I can't wait for next Christmas.

FSU FOOTBALL PLAYERS TO TAKE EXTENDED VACATION

2007-12-16T23:49:00.000-05:00

Remember that Academic Dishonesty thing FSU called themselves out on a few months ago? Well, it's going to bite them in the ass. Let's just say some big-time suspensions are in the mix for Seminole football. Like, more than missing the vaunted Music City Bowl against the Kentucky Wildcats. Getting kicked from the team and expulsions type seriousness, which can be a big bummer.

But fear not Florida State fans. Don't think of suspensions as a bad thing. It gives them the football players an opportunity to do stuff like... uhh... catch up on some sleep, light the menorah, and pay-off underpaid hookers (they work so hard for the money). Oh, and from what my source tells me, more than three-quarters of the players are on the defensive side of the ball. So you know defensive coordinator Mickey Andrews is like, stoked.

BREAKING NEWS: Mickey Andrews heard all the sweet nothings you whispered in your girls ear last night. Just look at those ears. It's like someone misplaced two satellite dish halves inside of Andrews' dome piece.

"I'M NOT DEAD YET"

2007-12-14T11:46:00.000-05:00

Today's Friday, and normally that would mean Weekend Warrior Picks and all that jazz, but because of the lack of time I have and heading south for the Holidays, no such time. It's wonderful though, the fact I'm walking around with shorts while the rest of you are bundled up under layers and layers of clothes.

Oooh! My friends over at "El Ghosts de Wayne Fontes" (I fell spanish today) did a wonderful interview on our contributer Jenn Sterger at Epic Carnival.

You'll love it. Unless you like dudes. Then, maybe you won't.

Above Video is from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. A literary classic in my mind.

NO ONE IN BASEBALL IS SACRED

2007-12-13T15:45:00.000-05:00

The Mitchell Report is going to screw up a lot of things.

And thankfully so.

The Carnival has a great live blog going. You should check it out and leave some comments ya' know? I'm busy with exams today, but I'll be done tonight and on winter break tomorrow.

That means more posts early in the morning. w00t.

ENGAGE

2007-12-12T15:56:00.001-05:00

EPIC POST: FREDDIE MITCHELL LIVES

2007-12-12T14:49:00.000-05:00

Life's hard for Freddie Mitchell.

From playing in the Super Bowl, to substitute teaching, to jobless?

Read on...

ENERGRY DRINK GONE ESTROGENE

2007-12-12T13:04:00.000-05:00

Red Flag Energy drink will make you clean? Or will inspire you to sub bad music over a crappy video?

Either way, drinking Red Flag Energy will give you a big, puffy vagina.

"THAT SURE WAS A RUSH..."

2007-12-12T03:09:00.000-05:00

...Let's not try it again:

Former Louisville Cardinals Coach ~~Rick~~ Bobby Petrino, now A.K.A. Former Atlanta Falcons Coach, is leaving the NFL franchise to return to school. This is of course, the day after the Falcons had one of the worst days in franchise history, with it's star quarterback being sentenced for 23 months in prison and getting blown out on Monday Night Football by the New Orleans Saints. Arthur Blank's day must be going swell.

People in Hawg country are stoked about the hire. As would I if I were a Razorback kin. Enough to keep Darren McFadden in school? Hey, Petrino is just an "okay" college coach. He isn't the coming of the Rapture... alright?

Congratulations to both parties on the hookup. Petrino needed to get out of the sinkhole in Atlanta, and the 'Backs needed a coach that'll help them compete in the SEC West every year.

I approve.

By the way, anyone want to argue that the SEC isn't loaded now?

HEY, IF YOU GOT LIKE AN HOUR TO KILL

2007-12-10T16:19:00.000-05:00

The video above is the complete fight from the Mayweather vs. Hatton fight on Saturday.

Like, start to finish. I'm probably going to get in some trouble for this but I'll thank Pro TV for the permission rights they gave some dude on Youtube. Which is then public stuff.

EPIC POST: MATCH.COM MONDAYS

2007-12-10T13:05:00.000-05:00

Kirk Hinrich is a sexy beast.

You just didn't know it yet... until now...

Read on...

IT'S SAD BUT TRUE

2007-12-10T13:01:00.000-05:00

I knew that starring in "The Game Plan" would ultimately be the end of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's respectable career, but he's already jumping into autobiographies?

Carve the tombstone please.

ANTHONY SMITH IS A BAD PROMISE KEEPER

2007-12-09T23:39:00.000-05:00

This is starting to get old. Someone or something "challenges" the Patriots, giving them plenty of bulletin material, they go into a game putting their perfect record on the line, and the same old domination ensues. Tom Brady was his usual self, throwing for just under 400 yards, and four scores, and even gave Steeler safety Anthony Smith a little jawing after his first score. You know, the same guy ESPN has been ripping for a solid week for guaranteeing a win over the NFL's super ballistic children.

Oh, and did I mention that Patriots won 34-13?

If the Patriots are to lose this season (which I know a lot of people wish they were already), people need to quit giving the Patriots a reason to win. By challenging them, all you're doing is pissing them off. It's been incentive, folks. If you give them what they want, the incentive to win is gone.

And you know what New England is playing for?

Lombardi Trophies? Pussy stuff.

It's all about teenager mushmellow. Pull up a school bus of Hannah Montana look-a-likes at Gillette Stadium and those Mercury Morris predictions all come true baby. C'mon, I'm tired of the Patriots winning and being this dominant, although, I do enjoy watching the Steelers lose any game. I'm too poor to purchase a busload of high school prostitutes. I'm asking some rich tycoon out there, reading this blog, to make change.

Let's buy some prostitutes, and send them to Foxboro. Except none for Bill Belichick. He probably likes dudes anyways.

MONKEY IS SUPERIOR ATHLETE

2007-12-09T14:09:00.000-05:00

A friendly request to all the American television networks:

Hire Japanese writers.

The ideas they're coming up with are brilliant. And I'm positive stuff like this will lead to what people really want to see on television... live execution.

TIM TEBOW IS YOUR HEISMAN WINNER

2007-12-09T13:08:00.000-05:00

A big congratulations to Florida Sophomore Quarterback Tim Tebow for winning the Heisman trophy. The margin he won over Arkansas Tailback Darren McFadden was slim, but regardless, Tebow continued his record breaking season by becoming the first under-classman to win the Heisman.

Now, critiques will focus on Tebow's career after college, instead of appreciating what he's doing right now. Such is life. Such is the group of Grothe > Tebow.

AND THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL RAPE

2007-12-07T13:57:00.000-05:00

So that's what Big 10 tailgating is all about. Sweet Christ, just look at that mess.

That fat and skin is all over the place. It's like watching a polar bear trying to sodomize a gopher.

[HT: SI On Campus]

MWA HAHAHAHA!

2007-12-07T01:32:00.000-05:00

I'm sure a few of you were wondering why not one post was written all day Thursday. Working on a 12 page paper will do that to ya'. Anyways, I doubt I'll have much time to do anything Friday because I'll be drinking myself into massive stupors, but I will be back for the weekend with lots of good news to report.

No, seriously. I swear. Keep coming back. I fucking love you.

I'm done with school now, lots more free time. Sorta.

By the way, the Bears are REALLY awful on offense. Except Devon Hester. He's still good.

EPIC POST: THE MICHIGAN JOB IS STILL VACANT

2007-12-05T16:13:00.000-05:00

Does anyone want it?

Billy Martin wants to know...

YOU WILL ROOT FOR CHINA... HA HA

2007-12-05T11:10:00.000-05:00

The 2008 Olympics are going to be stupidly exciting. China's already come up with some great ideas to make the experience sexier for the audience (firing rockets into the sky to avoid rain, creating bubble-like-stadiums), and their fans are even getting free training on how to root for the team without cursing and bad behavior. Fucking joy!:

"We want to do this because we are making contributions to the Olympics," Zhao said. "It's an honor."

"Zhongguo, Zhongguo -- ha, ha, ha. Zhongguo, Zhongguo bi sheng," the crowd shouts, simultaneously beating yellow, stick-shaped batons to the rhythm. "Jia you, jia you." Rough translation: "China, China -- ha, ha, ha. China, China must win. Let's go, let's go."

That laugh in the middle of the cheer is spooky. Not a whole lot makes the hair on the back of my neck rise more than a large fanbase of goofy looking people laughing in synch. And trust me, they must win. You know why. Because if they don't, they'll dismember the athletes (starting with the legs, and working up to the arms) and gouge the eyes out of their people (they cannot see weakness).

It's a proud country over there. Strict, but proud.

[HT: 100% Injury Rate]

IT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN

2007-12-04T17:45:00.000-05:00

Hopefully, this is the end of the Souljah Boi "Crank 'Dat" era. It was a bit overdone. But let's hear that beat one more time:

Dancing to white kids rapping is so hard. They make my earlobes bleed and my footsteps uncoordinated.

This is all in light of the comments June Jones calling Tebow a "system quarterback". All of that to pad Colt Brennan to win the Heisman. You know, that makes sense because Hawaii runs the "Run-n-Shoot" which is another system that low and behold, Jones' quarterback has thrived on. Is there a double standard here? Look, I'm not going to diss on Colt. He's a great quarterback and would be in any system. And I could really care less if someone doesn't succeed/succeeds on the next level. If you were at one point, "great", you will always remain "great".

With that said, the Rainbow Warriors are going to get RAAAAAAAAAPED next season (they start the 2008 season in the Swamp. Yikes).

COACH BILLICK LIKES RODNEY IN THAT KINDA WAY

2007-12-04T09:51:00.000-05:00

That was a helluva game last night. God's Children beat the Ravens, 27-24, and it was chock-full of drama, big hits, and Tony Kornheiser. It also included this little kiss Coach Billick blew Rodney Harrison after the safety was talking some sort of trash. Like "I'M OLD BUT I DON'T USE A WALKA ON THE FIELD" or "I'VE GOT CRABS FROM YO' MOTHA'" or "THAT SENSATION WHEN I PEE REALLY HURTS, BUT I'D FIGHT OFF THE PAIN AND PEE ON YOUR TEAM ANYWAYS".

When a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around, does it make a sound? When Rodney talks trash, and everyone's around, does anyone bother to listen? I don't, but that's because I don't pay attention to guys that have tested positive for performance enhancers and homosexuality.

No, really, they've got a test for that now. It results with my foot up your ass.

[HT: Athlete Nightly]

UHH.... YEAH

2007-12-03T23:14:00.000-05:00

I wanted to do Getting Laid today, but there's been way too much schoolwork to keep ahead of.

It's not dead people. It's alive and well, especially in my loins. RAWR.

I'll be back tomorrow, when school doesn't want to shove it's ball down my throat.

BILL BELICHICK MAKES A MEAN SANDWICH

2007-12-03T15:40:00.000-05:00

Notables throughout this video:

1. Belichick doesn't use pig's blood instead of jelly?
2. Did I just hear him say "shards"?
3. Even the sweater sleeves are short for Bill here. Eventually he evolved to the cutoffs. Or is that devolved?

[HT: Fanhouse]

OHIO STATE, YOUR ASS WILL BE HANDED TO YOU (AGAIN)

2007-12-03T01:02:00.000-05:00

Ohio State and Louisiana State will be the two teams playing for the National Championship this season. Feel like you're getting robbed? What else is new this time of year?

Sure, Ohio State played a joke of a schedule, and they'll be rewarded thanks to a flukey system. And sure, Georgia/USC/Virginia Tech got jobbed, but this is why we love this game so much, because of the massive controversy at the end of the season. By the way, how awesome is the Rose Bowl? Instead of doing the right thing and selecting USC and Georgia for the game, they took an overachieving Illinois team just to wet their panties over another PAC-10, BIG-10 matchup. By the way, if you're not aware, the only thing that's holding off a NCAA Football Playoff at this point is the Rose Bowl, because they don't want to jeopardize the relationship they have with those two conferences. Don't mind the fact the game has completely changed and the Big 10 is a conference that bears the power of a box of kittens, (GOOCHIE GOOCHIE GOOCHIE!).

Ugh... the BCS just bothers me to a point where I quit making sense. Can anyone honestly believe that a game between Kansas and Virginia Tech will be competitive? The ensuing blowout between USC and Illinois?

And of course, I couldn't leave out America's Child, the Ohio State Buckeyes. They'll have the privilege of getting boat raced by another fast, talented team from the SEC. Those groans you're hearing are coming from Brent Musburger's microphone. He's going to have to come up with an excuse for the Buckeyes for a second straight year. And if the Buckeyes do hold a lead at any point throughout the game, prepare for some sucking noises. As Brent will be suckling from the Sweatervest's Teet.

HAIL TO THE REDSKINS

2007-12-03T00:53:00.000-05:00

I'd like to start the week exalting the Redskins for their "10 Player Defense" to start the game versus the Buffalo Bills. In the scheme of things, football isn't nearly as important as a life you compete with, someone you love, or someone you care about. It's a shame they lost the game the way they did (with Joe Gibbs using two times about consecutively, giving the Bills an easy field goal to win the game), but regardless, the Redskins organization and their fans showed the utmost class throughout the contest.

Rest in peace Sean. You were taken too soon.

Getting Laid to come later today, my comments on the BCS, and other stuff. Thanks.

THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS

2007-12-02T00:22:00.000-05:00

The headline says it all. The #1 and #2 teams in the country lose in two weeks straight (during the final two weeks of the season by the way?). I mean, this season should be completely negated...

No one is worthy.

Except the Patriots. In fact, I'll call up the BCS and see if the Patriots can get a bid to the National Title. C'mon that'd be awesome. It'd be like watching a group of 10 year olds trying to stop a hustling locomotive.

More on this on Monday/Tomorrow/Whenever I feel like it.

SHAKE IT... DUDE?

2007-11-30T12:21:00.000-05:00

First question: Soccer has cheerleaders? Who knew you needed motivation to push a ball around up and down what seems to be an endless field of grass for 90+ minutes

Second question: Do you think there is any chance this guy is good at DDR?

NFL WANTS YOUR MONEYZ PEOPLE

2007-11-29T23:51:00.000-05:00

Hope you guys (and sexy gals) enjoyed getting blacked out last night from the Cowboys vs. Packers game last night. If you weren't aware, it was on NFL Network, which meant you had to buy the network to view the best NFC game you were going to get all year. But that's like, totally cool and stuff because you don't deserve to watch the NFL if you're poor. I'm lucky I'm rich and that's not a problem for me. You common folk just have to rely on highlights on Sportscenter and my recap:

Tony Romo had the guns slingin', throwing four touchdowns (One to Owens, who later enjoyed a cup of popcorn to the face), to lead the 'Boys over his idol and the Pack 37-27. In the second quarter, Favre took a helmet to the elbow, knocking him out of the game and brought any of my fantasy football dreams to a screeching halt. He was replaced by Aaron Rodgers, who wasn't as shitty as you would anticipate. He threw for 201 yards and a score, and completing just shy of 70% of his passes. Ryan Grant had two scores and 94 yards rushing, bringing the politely asked question "WHY THE FUCK DOESN'T GREEN BAY RUN THE BALL MORE"?

The win moves the Dallas Cowboys into first place in the NFC, in control of their own destiny for home field throughout the playoffs. Check Jerry Jones' pants, they've got to be soaked by now. That's okay, he can afford having 50 orphans make another pair for him by hand.

I AM A HERO

2007-11-29T17:17:00.000-05:00

Since we've been on some sort of "super-hero" theme, I thought I'd post a video I made a little bit ago. Enjoy, or die:

THE PISTONS ARE SUPER HEROS

2007-11-29T00:55:00.001-05:00

I don't know why I dig this video so much. Maybe because it embraces most of the stereotypes that I have for the NBA. Stereotypes like Chauncey looks like a horse, Shaq is dumb and could plug a black hole, the Pistons own a galactic space ship, Ben Wallace's hair looks better as a sideways mohawk, 'Sheed always wants the ball and says things like "Great Googily Moogily" or perhaps because it's a cartoon and I've yet to grow up from my childish ways. And what's the deal with Hooper? Shouldn't he be in a glue factory?

Where are the dancers with the enormous breasts? That's the one stereotype I need the most.

EPIC POST: THANKSGIVING DINNER AT THE SIMPSONS

2007-11-28T14:22:00.000-05:00

Wanted to know what it was like at Jessica Simpson's household for Thanksgiving? A little bird, some yams, Tony Romo, and family atmosphere.

Read on...

SWEET CHRIST, NO

2007-11-28T13:21:00.001-05:00

Ohio State linebacker/uncaged animal James Laurinaitis and crew are going to be big time fans this Saturday for the Oklahoma Sooners and the Pittsburgh Panthers. Why? Because they need those squads to win in order to likely assure a spot in the BCS National Championship. And let me tell you, that if Ohio State were to slip into the game in New Orleans, I might go postal. The Buckeyes are 11-1, Big 10 Champs (what an achievement!), and have sisters that play hockey. Gross:

"I was at my sister's hockey game on Saturday night and between periods when they were Zamboni-ing (the ice), I went down and watched the Kansas-Missouri game," Laurinaitis said with a grin, referring to Kansas' first loss of the season. "It's fun to see how it all plays out."

They're allowing girls to play hockey now? Why? So when you're giving me a blowjob I've got to worry about your snaggletooth grin? Fucking Title IX.

I don't approve... at all. The only ice girls are allowed to touch are the cubes in my tall glass of lemonae after I've done some manly things. Like clean the front porch, beating her old lady, and pulling hair off my chest.

Where's that fucking lemonade?